the wanderlust misfit

2012-01-16T18:43:00.001-08:00

Married now. Wow.

Heeee.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2

Thorn In My Vein

2011-10-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

semalam adalah tepat 7-hari-to-go before the big day. funny, because at one point i found myself alone, shivering at 1.30am in the hospital, waiting for my turn to see the doctor at again while practising the best script to persuade the doctor if he warded me for pneumonia.

what started as a mild cough and flu bought me to the x-ray chamber. it was supposed to be a simple visit to the hospital because all the clinics are were closed (just my luck). i hated the doctor's frown the most, grrr. forget the big-ass needle in my hand that made me scared to even move an inch for the rest two hours of waiting. somehow it had hurt more than all the blood donation series, medical checkups and all the previous needle experience. it was like a big motherfucking of hurtful rainbow dancing in my veins. ouch.

tapi alhamdulillah, they found my chest and blood clear of the funny stuffs.

i dont need being hospitalized a week before my engagement, tqvm

thank You O Allah hihi

The Veil Of Endearment

2011-10-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

OK, so I’m getting engaged at the end of this month. Yes, AT THE END OF THIS MONTH. Please don’t fall off your chair now, I was gobsmacked as well. I also got the late confirmation but I guess it’s okay, it makes the preparation all the weeehoooooo aku nak bertunang exciting because I have so many things against me: time, $ (tak sempat kumpul pun weh), and distance.

Living 700km away from home apparently makes it that much harder to plan your engagement ceremony. Please pray that the ceremony will go smoothly.

And apparently, the above announcement simultaneously destroyed my dream of having a wedding blog. Jeles kot, tengok orang berbelog pasal wedding preparation diorang! I’ve been reading those since 2009, sekarang the bloggers ada yang dah anak dua pun. Of course, nobody is stopping me if I so choose to stubbornly make one, but I’m telling you it’s going to be superlame. Hence, I’ve come up with a better idea: to write it here instead hahahahaha.

But eh, what am I talking about, I wanted to tell you about my veil, pfffft. So here goes:

Somewhere along the initial days of trying to find the bertunang attire, the issue of veils started to bug me. Buying one would cost a lot, and so is renting. Kudos to all the b2bs (bride-to-bes, if you should know) out there, I decided to make my own. But before you assume that I am a skilled beading enthusiast/basic seamstress, oh please, the most adventurous sewing project I ever did was sew lencana pada tudung sekolah. Maybe some buttons here and there, but thats it. Telemachus was sceptical, preferring to buy a sweet veil we saw. I doubted myself too but what-the-heck’d it and choose to be stubborn (as always).

And guess what?

It took me around two weeks, and I had the best of time making it. Kau boleh faham ke kalau aku cakap yang rasa kasih sayang tu semacam tumpah pada veil tu? Macam sebalik labuci yang aku jahit sebiji-sebiji tu ada yang girang dan bahagia yang amat. Macam gelas yang penuh air, tapi masih dituang sampai tumpah-tumpah? That was approximately how I feel hehe *blush*

So basically, I transformed this

Into this

roommate's teddy yang dipaksarela menjadi model hahaha

tried rotating the picture for a few times tapi kadang kala kita terpaksa akur dengan kedegilan blogspot haihs

what do you think? I wanted to bling it further but my housemates stopped me, saying that too much adornment will make the veil ugly. Besides, chillex ah, baru bertunang. Nama pun eksperimen, buat yang sederhana dulu.

And yes, its peach. Soffffft peach. Which is why making it was perhaps a better decision sebab susah nak cari veil warna tu. So, the lovely thing is hanging in my closet, smiling at me sometimes and too often now, trying to seduce me. Kadang-kadang terasa macam nak gatal je tangan tambah sikit bling. Sikiiiiiit je lagi hehehe.

Housemates, may I please?

Wake Up And Smell The Roses

2011-09-26T20:29:00.000-07:00

Wake Up And Smell The Roses

That’s what the Westerners always say, when they want you to get a grip on the reality. Funny, because to me, recently, ‘reality’ seemed like being in the Japanese bullet train – where you speed along the rail at your fastest, most efficient, all day, every day, but on the inside? You still don’t feel as if you’re riding too fast at all. What’s more, you don’t even realize how you left others behind you.

I don’t know. It seems like time really is moving too fast, as if Time Itself does not like me, and wants to run away badly. Everyday seems like a mini hurricane inside this little head of mine, but my action seemed lazier than a sleepy sloth (to me).

And yet they told me to slow down and take it easy.

(Kau faham ke apa yang aku nak cakap ni?)

Life is never easy. But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. No, not in the least. Im happy. Im crazy busy. Im emptily unoccupied. I worry a lot. I think waaay too much. And sometimes, I am even afraid to hope. But I’m happy, and I wouldn’t change a thing now.

In its own humble ways, today was a big day. If every day was a hurricane, today was easily a maelstrom. So determined I was in my mission, that in that small space of time, nothing seemed to matter. Until I come home and realized that I have lost my set of house-and-room key.

I was exhausted, weary from all the mini adventures of the day. I still have a lot to do later, and even more in the next morning. The contact lenses in my eyes started to hurt. And I needed to change my, ahem, “ladies napkin” fast.

Real fast.

Oh, did I mention that today was my, ahem, first day?

I must have gone through my bag for at least seven times. Tumbled everything out, checking every inch of every visible nook and cranny of every crap/ knick-knack in my bag. Checked the car seat, meraba habis-habis segala celah sekeliling seat. Seluk segala poket pada seluar, baju, beg, ah kau cakap je lah, memang semua aku seluk.

Funny. Funny how Telemachus saved me again.

And now I’m in my room, writing to you.

Funny. Funny how I was so caught up in the moment, losing my keys was (almost) the only way I’d stop and think dan menginsafi-slash-mensyukuri apa yang aku ada. Hillarious, because after I almost reached giving up point, The Magic Phone Call By Telemachus The Uppity Sailor Saviour turned everything alright again and before I know it, I had my precious keys in my hand.

It felt as if, Time Itself wanted me to stop for a bit, slow down, take it easy.

And yes, smell the roses.

I learnt my lesson.

Beautiful

2011-09-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

source

i like how she reminded me to love my own ~~dark~~ tanned skin. heck, she made me feel me jumping in the tanning bed right this moment!

PostScript: now i know what i want for my birthday present, though passed it may be *teehee*

11th September 2011

2011-09-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

ten years after the fateful event, i guess it goes without saying that that single deed changed the world. changed how we view our loved ones. changed everything.

little did i know, 11th September 2011 changed the world that breathed, worked, smiled, cried and lived inside my head.

and yes, changed everything.

The Tide

2011-08-31T10:01:00.000-07:00

contohnya macam laut, dia ada dua; pasang atau surut. contohnya macam manusia, dia ada dua; sedih atau gembira. contohnya macam makanan. dia ada dua; sedap atau tidak.

but my life?

pun ada dua jugak, the time where everything happens at once and it's move!move!move! or the time when everything is so slow, the fresh coat of paint on the wall might have dried faster than the flutter of my eyelashes.

i sense that the second phase is nearing now, and sometimes i fear for it. how can i not, i'm just a plain human being. but my, how i've changed, and how i've learnt. my, my.

it's okay, it's all okay now, tiana dear..

i'm home now. and i guess, that is a luxury in itself. it truly is wonderful how simple things light up my heart. like taking a (hot) bath at 1.30am just because, feeling the cool air cond on my warm, damp, fragrant shower-fresh skin, hogging the bed all to myself, and having all the freedom in the world to choose what i wear to sleep with, haha.

but no, more than that, i treasure the thought that i can go downstairs and watch tv with the family. and talk. and laugh. and eat. and love. itu termasuk juga bergurau sampai bergaduh, ya. i'm happy that i can exit the kitchen door and all my five cats will greet me and yawn and meow and ask for food. i feel blessed that i can surf the internet and find a crazy recipe and try it right away if i so choose.

so it's all okay. bring on the tide, then.

i am not what i used to be, and now, i don't think that it is a bad thing after all. i've learnt the art of turning on the smile on your heart even when the light is dimmed because you're crying. it's easy, it's just gratefulness.

the tide, the tide. bring on the tide, then.

PostScript: i hate being so melancholy. harap-harapnya entries yang akan datang tak lah stail macam nak bersajak sangat, thanks.

Apparently..

2011-08-27T09:09:00.000-07:00

Apparently, didn't get the chance to participate in the first of Ramadhan this year....as well as the last. Bummer. Ah well, better luck next year.

"Degil"

2011-08-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

i was having a conversation with Mamma, many, many months ago. it got to a point where i smiled at my mother and exclaimed softly, "degil!". It wasn't a heated discussion, even, just your average light-hearted talk. and Mamma even replied, "kalau mama tak degil dulu, korang semua tak hidup tau".

which silenced me, end of conversation, good bye thank you very much haha.

but now, more and more i feel like i'm like her, in that term. worse was that, i think my parents are very stubborn, but both in distinctly different ways. that was worse, but as for worst? i think i inherited both type of pig-headedness.

super-degil tahap keluar tanduk punya, yes. [nasib baik keluar tanduk ni jarang-jarang ye sahabats] but as they say, when the goings get stubborn, the stubborn gets going haha. so much so now, i think i can even make money appear from thin air sometimes when i get THAT stubborn.

capisce, just like that.

like now, i am in that zone. so please, beware. it usually gets me what i want. and most importantly, i dont ruffle other people's feather. im not like that, no.

but i bet you i can be so, uhm, stubbbbb-born, you will want to kill me.

maybe i should run now, bye.

The Other Name

2011-08-17T02:21:00.000-07:00

Hello, such long time that we haven’t spoken. I hope you like the new look i made. Especially the blog header! Fresh from the oven, i made it after sahur and subuh just now. Of course, it's not finished yet, I'll finalize it later, because, ahem, the lack of internet connection. It took me around an hour and a half and I used Paint, but what makes me prouder of myself was that I only used the built-in mouse and - yes, there’s more – i only used my right hand to navigate the mouse (aku buat benda ni pakai sebelah tangan je - peh, ade rasa macam belagak giles tak?) as my left hand was busy holding jenny and trying to calm her down. She gets so anxious sometimes, so scared it made me sad. She was supposed to be my baby girl, my baby cakes.

But ah, “who’s jenny?” i heard you ask. I must apologize for my very sporadic updates, it must’ve been dead boring to you. I’m still having internet problems (along with a myriad of others) so please, bear with me. A lot of thing has happened, so lets hope the explanations will come out somehow.

Before I ramble on, Happy Ramadhan people! Tahun ni tak sempat nak merasa puasa pada hari pertama tapi takpe lah, harapnya dapat sembahyang raya. Here’s hoping.

Do you still remember this post?? Funny how i have never noticed, but while lots of other women i know are ga-ga over chocolates, ice creams are the real deal for me. I love it so much, oh my goodness, i cant even tell you how. Having this in mind, i decided to take a part-time job in, yup you guessed it, baskin-robbins! Somebody actually pays me to play with ice creams all day long, am I not the luckiest ice cream fan in the world yet? Learned how to scoop ice cream perfectly, and how to make ‘em yummy waffles you see on the counter – sometimes i feel like this is just an extention of the Pendidikan Seni thing I used to blatantly ignore during schooldays.

I’m on leave during Ramadhan, I thought that having two jobs would make concentrating on the holy month much harder than it might have. And I miss them ice creams a lot, sobs.

But anyways, I was inspired to do this one small, mini project of mine. I decided that no matter what happens, I am not spending the earning from BR, just to see how much it got me until December. If you ask me why, I’ll just say, just because. Hihi, if things go well, I might even tell you how much I get when the time comes *wink*

Another but. But, but, but, I was sorely disappointed when payday approached. Yes BR, you owe me one! In this case, I’ll just let the picture do the talking.

Yes teh saleha yang secara mejiknya menjadi teh saliva, this was what I promised to tell you. I will never laugh at you again :(

So

2011-05-31T09:47:00.000-07:00

source

How It Feels...

2011-05-31T08:16:00.000-07:00

source

this is how it feels like, inside..

if you fail to guess which is me,

kau ambik la limeploh kat situ, kadet!

The Wolf and The Dog

2011-05-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

the truth is, we both remind me of a story i read when i was young. so young i was, i could not comprehend the story when it was finished but oddly, the story follows me to this day.....

**************************

one day, a wolf was taking a walk down the crisp, clear autumn afternoon looking for something to do. soon, he saw a dog sleeping peacefully near a big house so the wolf snook around carefully to chat. after some moments talking, envy started to creep in the simple wolf's heart. how can he not? just look at the dog.

the wolf began thinking of his family and the incident that happened yesterday. a hunter almost shoot him. "what would happen to my children then?", he mused. and the dog? yawning, the dog proceeded to munch a bone nearby, telling of the multitude of juicy, delicious meal he gets from time to time. so much so, the wolf was reminded of how he felt, giving food to his family while he could only salivate. it was a tough winter, indeed.

before long, the wolf saw that the dog has very, very nice fur. "of course i do, my master makes sure that my fur is in its best condition. i even get bathed, although i can't say i like it very much initially". the wolf could not even comprehend the situation. "you get bathed? what is that, bathed?"

laughing softly, the dog told how hygiene is very important to human beings. "if i was dirty, how can i play with my master and his family and be in the house? they treat me like i am one of them. see how you smell, friend? oh, they sure would not like it if i smell that way, ugh". the wolf stood there, fascinated as he is scandalized of such thoughts. a friend of his actually PLAYS with human? more and more, the wolf become critical of himself. he kept thinking how wonderful if he, too, could be like the dog. no more shivering in the winter, no more worrying that his cubs might be shot.

"life could certainly be better!", he thought.

it was then, at that exact moment, that the wolf saw something rather peculiar. "friend, what is that around your neck?", says the wolf carefully. who knows what sort of wonder will the dog tell of now?

"oh, that is a chain. it is used to make sure that i don't run away or chase any human that comes by. my master really hates it when i do that. apparently they think such things are stupid. barbaric, even".

if only a few seconds ago the wolf was struck amazed, he was dumbfounded now. further questioning reveals of how the chain is almost always on the dog's neck. "so what do you do if you want to walk around and explore?". "my master takes me for a walk later in the afternoon, of course. it's really not that bad, you know. i think you can get used to it, too. i have a good life and im very happy".

ahh, the wolf let out a sound that falls between a chuckle and a deep sigh, and started to walk away. let him be shot. let his family starve in the winter. let him be enemies with the human. says the wolf, "but for me to sacrifice my freedom?"

never.

********************

so i guess that's us, you and me. i'll just look at you from afar, perhaps even think of you once in a while. we are different, you and me.

my 'fur' may never be as soft as yours. my tummy may never know of such food. my heart may never taste of such love, but i am happy the way i am and i will never want to be like you.

THE END.

2011-05-21T07:05:00.001-07:00

i miss you.
and i miss you all the time.

Baby T

2011-05-11T02:10:00.000-07:00

hello world.

i am the awesomely cute tentoy.

you are sure to hear momma lillyputs raving about me soon.

bye, now!

Backlogged Post 1: The Adventures of Telemachus and Lillyputs

2011-05-10T01:47:00.000-07:00

Just like how you call him telemachus, from now on, you must call me lillyputs. Princess Lillyputts, thank you very much.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Ok, ok back to business now. I don’t know why I felt compelled to write about this. It is, after all, rather uneventful and monotonous. Still, somehow, it was an adventure of some sort for us.

Uneventful adventure? Sorry, I contradict myself sometimes.

I went east the other day to visit The Big KakLong, telemachus on tow. Naughty telemachus keep teasing me when we get back to Penang, saying if it wasn’t for him, I would’ve had to sit with Bangladeshi workers as the bus was practically filled with them.

I did not have a good experience with the bus this time. We bought a pair of tickets, only to be told a few minutes before leaving that the air-cond was faulty and they had to cancel the journey. I know that the truth was nobody bought the ticket except for us, and the company wouldn’t want to incur losses by going anyway.

Who effing cares about those two who bought the tickets, right?

Still, because they ‘care’ for their customers, and because they are “Nice” (intended pun) they told us to go to another bus station some XXkms away so that we could still go east. And so we went, with ‘Nice’ minsya acting as our ~~supir~~ friend in need (I still intended the pun, although I meant the fact that minsya was nice).

{Iklan: sorry minsya I called you supir! Lepas ni kalau kau buli aku lagi, aku letak sini biar semua orang tahu ok, not that i know if you will read this hahaha}

And guess what? 40 minutes later upon arriving, I found out that the bus had already left at 10.20pm.

We were told to be there at 10.30, and we were punctual, if not early.

*sigh*

Because I’m a classy lady (acecececeh), I did not curse. Instead, we headed for east the next evening in the Bangladeshi-filled bus I told you about earlier.

Journey back home was the same, too. We bought ourselves a pair of “Nice” tickets, only to be told a few minutes before leaving that the bus had broken down. Oh yeah, riiiiiiiiiight.

$%^*(^%#!!#$^&*()&%$#

A lady? Did anybody said anything about being a lady?

So we headed back a few (twelve) hours late. It was an additional bus. The generic term being bas lompat-lompat, perhaps, because from Kota Bharu, we were dropped at some God-forsaken place before being picked up around three hours later. The heavy bags did not help. The fact that it was 2 a.m-ish made me really, really grateful I had my telemachus with me, acting as my lucky bunny-tail.

I never said this outright, but Thank You, telemachus, for being there. I know how tired you are, because I was doggone tired myself.

Did I ever tell you that I have the best boyfriend ever? Ever, ever, ever? Oh I did, silly me.

And so, we arrived in Butterworth at 6 a.m and opted the ferry to go to the Pulau. The ferry! That’s the point of being in Penang, yes? I was tired, but excited. I never boarded one, save for the huge ones where you go by car.

And the sunrise! Have you ever watched the sunrise while you’re on a ferry?

The only thing stopping me from squealing, jumping and pointing was the other passengers, who I assume boards the ferry every morning to go to work and hence, sees the sunrise every day. They had the expression that falls between ‘all-I-want-is-to-roll-back-on-my-warm-bed’ and ‘just-get-me-to-my-darned- workplace- NOW’ so I learnt fast to behave myself.

Or at least, shared my giddiness with telemachus only.

At last, at last. We arrived at telemachus’ home. He was to send me back to my house. That was when we saw something so beautiful, I simply had to share.

Don’t you just love the clouds?

It was a very humdrum, ordinary thing. But somehow it was so strangely beautiful, too. I’m sorry I am such a lousy photographer, this is the best that I could do.

When we looked up five minutes later, the cloud formation was gone.

I guess, from time to time, you really do found happiness in small, hidden places. Funny how the cloud made me forget that I was so tired I wanted to cry. Funny how the clouds made my heart feels light and breezy just by looking at it.

Comical, it isn’t it?

Ah well. C’est la vie. I sincerely hope you’ll have a good day. Til later okays!

The Secret Shell

2011-05-02T01:57:00.000-07:00

it's been too long, i know. i miss you all the time and i even wrote some of the posts in my head, just so that i can save some time and write more.

man, i should've pursued my ambition of being a writer. but with this kind of discipline? disastrous. heh.

i don't have a proper internet connection right now. went online at them famous indian muslim joints. tell me how do i concentrate, then?

i'll let you in a secret, though. come, follow me to my secret shell yonder, where we will be best friends and i'll whisper you my secrets.

i have the best boyfriend ever.

even if you {think} you know this, trust me babies, you don't. not that it matters. nothing does.

thank you, telemachus.

i promise i'll write more once my life resembles normalcy and yes, of course, once i have a proper internet connection. turrah!

News

2011-03-31T05:02:00.001-07:00

i owe you two backlogged post. will settle it A.S.A.P, people. sorry.

I Scream!! You Scream!! We Scream!!

2011-03-31T04:59:00.000-07:00

i guess, we learn something new about our partner all the time. hari ni dengan berjayanya, telemachus saw just how great my love for ice-cream was. to explain more, allow me two premises.

Premise 1: today is the 31st of march
Premise 2: telemachus and i "happened upon" baskin robbins.

apparently, alllllllll the times spent eating ice-cream in labuan failed to show you, yes darling? it does not matter that my throat was sore, or if the sky was crying, or if i literally do not have any space left in my tummy. that's how much, baby.

please be warned, i am trying to make you jealous. (or annoyed!) sila pilih, haha.

oh, i forgot to explain. i am a REALLY slow eater. though in this VERY SPECIAL case, i managed to finish half a pint of the ice-cream before telemachus was able to finish puffing his ciggie. which is, in my personal record, an olympic-speed record. how long does it take a Telemachus to finish one ciggarette, 5 minutes?

sorry bb, i beat you to it.

and sorry bb, that you only managed a few spoonful. please do not tell anybody that i *please tick where applicable* gobbled/scoffed/wolfed/devoured the darn thing.

ai promis, ai tak seda ai makan banyak tu

The Wants

2011-03-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

like you, i want a lot of things for myself. for my family. for my friends. for the world.

but the best thing now, is to want less. and be grateful with what i have. and work hard.

but most of all, to persevere.

The Long

2011-03-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

source

the movie came at the {exact} right time of my life.

i love the movie so much, you wont believe it
childish, you say?

i stood my ground, and i stubbornly choose to be the way i naturally am.

obstinate and unyielding.

i learn what i learn.

i like what i like.

this is me.

and whatever that may be,

i hope good is one of them.

remember this?
the wheel is turning now, right this minute
please let things be good
please, please, please
...

Don't Know Why

2011-03-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

hari ni ada orang mintak derma.

my intuition told me that it was all a scam. reading the supposedly 'formal' letter asking for financing of some sort, i just knew that perhaps in half an hour or so, a van will pick up the kids and the money will change owner again. i did not even bother asking for a receipt. the kids tried to act grateful, but i was not interested to be part of the play.

i wonder now, why did i give the money, even when i know that it was a scam? and i gave a RM10, no less and no more.

in my case, it translates to this: tiga hari makan punya duit.

well, apparently it bothered me enough to babble here. no, i did not regret my action. to tell you the truth, i might have given them a RM50 and still, i don't think i'll regret it. what im doing now, is putting my conscience at ease, for seeing my worries turned into letters, does give me serenity of some sort.

entah lah.

aku halalkan duit tu, walau pun kau mungkin tipu. urusan kau dengan Allah, is not my business. aku cuma harap, niat aku, walau pun aku sendiri tak berapa tahu secara zahirnya, diberkati Allah. niat aku baik.

ameeen..

Bunga

2011-03-11T23:34:00.000-08:00

since i met you, flowers grew in my heart

heee

Birthday Drafted Post : The Best Coincidence

2011-03-08T08:14:00.000-08:00

yes, as the title stated, this post has been sitting the draft for some time. i was waiting for the right time to post this up, mainly because i am a tad shy of it.

i found this purely by chance. and yes, terkantoi lah saya di sini, that i am like other girls, too, who enjoy looking at beautiful images rendered perfectly by them 'wedding people'.

but oh, lets cut the crap. the best coincidence of the century is this:

source

can you see it? no? och lovies, only because its my birthday i am willing to spoon feed you, and hope you will get the joke as well. so, here it is, again:

source

i told you so, it was The Best Coincidence ever. so good, it was almost like a birthday present in itself. don't know what sort of a mineral or extra terrestrial supercosmic power is this, but: alhamdulillah and insyaAllah... :)

PostScript: the lady doing the wedding planning thing does a fantabulous job, too. go take a look and see if you can disagree

PostPostScript: i really should congratulate myself for being able to resist putting all the !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!s that i ached to add heh heh

March More : The Birthday And The Let Go

2011-03-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

firstly, please do excuse my penchant for long blog titles recently. the alanis morissette in me insists so, and sometimes i am powerless to resist. (yes, i'm a very big fan since 10 tqvm) but oh well, 'tis the day! don't know how was the weather in your place, but it rained all day long in mine and i loved it!

by noon, i found my eyes to be wrapped in hands, with the excited bouts of shouts: "jangan tengok!! close your eyes! noooo don't peek!!!!!" and there you have it, a birthday cake. i feel like a child, because they treated me like one. only, it was done in a good, splendid way. the best part was, the cake was covered in fresh cream and molten chocolate that made the writing 'slip'. the chocolate 'fell' on the brim of the cake tray and ruined the HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIANA, that i could only see a HAPPY TANA on it. but it was nothing other than perfect.

calls and wishes made my day perfect. no, i didn't have a mega celebration whatsoever, but i guess im easy to please.

thank you You, Allah

may i confess some thing, here? what i really want for my birthday, is a sewing machine (other than this la). the travel set/travel friendly kind. promise i'll show you what i'm up to. hahahahaha. mama would be so proud, if she'd knew. but shhh.. please don't tell mama yet. (especially to e-wayne and atoy; if you guys are reading this, im serious, don't tell mama yet!!!)

and oh, i found this, earlier this year. just thought today would make it a good occasion to share. i hope to learn and benefit from this, insyaAllah..

Let Go

"In life, there will always be things, or people, that make us cry, that betray us, that steal from us, that make us wanna kill ourselves at a certain point of time. But let go. Let go of the anger, the grudge, and any intention for revenge. Let go and see the bigger picture. An unhappy moment in life, is just another moment among other moments to come. Let go and move on.

And let go of the people who hurt you. They are toxic. It's nice to be nice, but it's wiser to be wise. I believe God taught us to be nice to people, but God never told us to please everyone we know. We have the right to do the right thing. And as the owner of our own life, we know what's right for us.

And clothes. They're just clothes. Pass them down. Buy new ones. They just wrap the outside. They do not feed our soul"

source

Actually, it was an even better a time to post this up because

yeah man, it's live yaw~

hahaha small picture sebab gambar tak berapa nak senonoh. just loved how the date and the topic seemed to be coincidental. i had a good day today. i hope you, too!

A Quiet Shout For You

2011-03-04T09:01:00.000-08:00

you.

you avoid blame like the plague.

you seek someone to take it like a beggar looking for a rich man.

and you heap it all up to my lap, pointing all your ten fingers to me.

well, i suggest you grow up

and be responsible for it.

Much Too Much

2011-03-02T08:26:00.000-08:00

been thinking a lot, lately. much too much. usually i'd put up something here, just to calm my soul. of course, i would have to camouflage what i wanted to convey behind layers of words. typical me. kesian siapa-siapa yang rajin baca blog picisan aku ni. i started a blog mainly because i just wanted to know what it's like to do so, other than to let my close friends know what's up in my life (more like in my mind, actually. did you notice that i don't really write about what is happening around me?)

something is happening. sometimes, if i sit real tight, i can feel the wheels rotating.

i am afraid. terrified. much, much more than you can imagine. but in some ways, i am excited,too.

please let things be good, please.

Oh, Hello March {And: The Cold}

2011-03-01T08:26:00.000-08:00

bonjour, march. i love you because i think you're magical. in the average, everyday sort of way. much like the smell of sunshine, or how a simple smile from a stranger warms your heart like how your tummy might feel after consuming a superlarge serving of steamboat at, say, cameron highlands?

i've been canoodling with butterflies and flirting with the perfect, red little strawberries in the past few days.

tsk, pardon the chubby cheeks kthxbye

if you need to know, i don't really like the cold. no, not after The Kota Belud Times Of My Life, which i am sure to blab about it here, eventually hurhur. but funny how the cold air turned my heavy heart light as a feather.

i just needed a lot of heavy duty cream lotions, otherwise i feel like a walking, talking prune. no, not a good sight no.

Private Anniversary

2011-02-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

this is another personal, unfathomable post of mine, sorry.

i just wanted to commemorate this special day as my own special, private anniversary.

it all started with a tragedy, a tragedy that still squeezed hot tears from my eyes, had i willed myself to remember what had happened. i had wanted something so bad, i had ached in a way that was never before. not only it haunted me when i was both awake and asleep, it so greedily hogged every inch that was the inbetween. i was a zombie, a walking nightmare. only i was worse. the best part was, i had concealed it all too well.

*sigh*

after much, much sobs, came the determination. that i was going to win, no matter what. such was my endeavour, that i would leave no room for failure, that achieving my objective had simply become an inevitable outcome. you should have seen me. i was everything; military strategist, doting lover, stubborn jack ass, patient woman and last but not least, humble servant.

and on 22nd February, victory came and enveloped itself in my arms. how sweet.

so now is the time to rejoice. alhamdulillah ya Allah. thank you for this.

i meant this all for you. it does not matter that you will never know. and it does not matter that no one would understand.

Riding In Cars With Boys

2011-02-14T14:50:00.000-08:00

No, not the movie. That phrase somehow, sangat 'masuk' with what I feel right now.

God knows for how long I've had this in my draft. Actually I was browsing thru my old email (who does that anymore? tsk) and found these. So i thought I'd better post it up than let it rot in my draft haha. I would've given the author some credit, tapi author pun unknown, how la? But whatever it is, i'm sure all you ladies out there would agree to this. And yes, i mean ALL.

Or maybe we need to put up things like this to remind the boys once in a while. They're very forgetful, aren't they. Sorry boys, it's nothing personal :)

1 . When you break her heart, the pain never really goes away.
2 . When she misses you, she’s hurting inside.
3 . When she says it’s over, she still wants you to be hers.
4 . When she walks away from you mad, follow her.
5 . When she stares at your mouth, kiss her.
6 . When she pushes or hits you, grab her tight & don’t let her go.
7 . When she starts cursing at you, kiss her and tell her you love her.
8 . When she ignores you, give her your attention.
9 . When she pulls away, pull her back.
10. When you see her at her worst, tell her she’s beautiful.
11. When you see her crying, just hold her and don’t say a word.
12. When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
13. When she’s scared, protect her.
14. When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt her head up and kiss her.
15. When she steals your favourite jacket, let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
16. When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh.
17. When she doesn’t answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is okay.
18. When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up with the truth.
19. When she says that she likes you, she really does more than you could understand.
20. When she grabs your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers.
21. When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh.
22. When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold.
23. When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does.
24. Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.
25. Don’t let her have the last word.
26. Don’t call her hot, but gorgeous or beautiful is so much better.
27. Say you love her more than she could ever love you.
28. Argue that she is the best girl ever.
29. When she’s mad, hug her tight and don’t let go.
30. When she says she’s OK, don’t believe it, talk to her about it, because 10 yrs later she’ll still remember it.
31. Call her at 12:00am on special occasions to tell her you love her.
32. Call her before you sleep and after you wake up.
33. Treat her like she’s all that matters to you.
34. Don’t ignore her when she’s out with you and your friends.
35. Stay up all night with her when she’s sick.
36. Watch her favourite movie with her or her favourite show even if you think it’s stupid.
37. Let her into your world.
38. Let her wear your clothes.
39. When she’s bored and sad, hang out with her
40. Let her know she’s important.
41. Kiss her in the pouring rain.
42. When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; “Who’s ass am I kicking today baby?”
43. After she reads this, she hopes one day you’d read it too.

And yes telemachus baby I think of you all the time as I read this. None other but you. Gaaaaah I'm not saying that you actually need those pointers as you're pretty damn amazing as it is, but yeah.

None other but you.

My Restless Mind

2011-02-11T10:35:00.000-08:00

surprised much, to see a brighter and not-so-weepy home for this blog of mine? yeap, i am too. it took some adjustment to see that the blog is white, and does not look like the room of a broken heart lovesick teenager hahah. however i think this is temporary. im looking for a better place to house this little diary of mine. i needed some change, so here i am, here we are.

found a work by rumi, as you can see in the post above. i love it when the word of a dead man makes them as if alive and well, the words humbled me so. hence, the permanent place it earned at the top. it is a sticky post, and i don't think i want to explain it a gazillion time.

i know i have always been an active thinker (which is just a sugar coated, tiana way to say that i think a lot) but i must have gotten too much time on my hand these days, as my mind seemed to be working OT all the time. i keep thinking what i wanted for my birthday, kesian kan ish ish ish. aku letak satu entry pasal mary jane tu pun dah bagus dah. the thing is, i only verangan'd the things i wanted, without actually believing i will get it, padahal the things are sooo within my reach and afordable. serious kesian kan, FML. ye that means fuck my life. hahaha.

tapi takpe, im happy now. a lot of things are still pending, and im still basically in huge-A trouble but i like what i have now.

and i think that that is just splendid. alhamdulillah.

dear all, please excuse this 'footnote'. this part, i write it for myself for than for you. dear tiana, remember the thought that hit you just before you sleep, two nights in a row this week. you may forget it, but the writing is here so that you will always remember. God's answer does not come to you all the time, in that manner. cherish it all you can. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.

Mengada-Ngada Sikit Sekali Sekala

2011-02-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

i can't help it, when i lay my eyes on this Big Love O' Mine.

i know my birthday is a long way to go, but can someone buy this for me for my birthday? i promise i will sleep with it the whole week, hahaha eh tapi serius tak tipu. sumpah comel makes my heart fly.

pretty please? pretty, preeeetty please? with sugar lumps on top pretty please? ok boleh kira berapa please sekarang zzz

PostScript: i know you don't need any introduction to this amazing lady, but just in case, i got the images from here.

L'impossible

2011-02-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

how come i find it IMPOSSIBLE to make you understand?

yes, you. you know who you are. i wrote this for you and you were meant to read these words.

A Little Something To Share

2011-02-01T15:41:00.000-08:00

if i were to tell you the truth, it is this: i always get slightly embarrassed if people say that my command of the english language is good.

it is not.

in a lot of places i go for schooling, i wonder why i am often known as 'the girl with good english'. among other freaky or dull things, that is.

aiyo people, it's not true la. [the thing about the english language]

however, i do not mind telling you that yes, i am comfortable with the language but no, i am not perfect. not by any means. but what's nagging me at the moment is how it is deteriorating in some ways. like how i always confuse the usage of its versus it's. so allow me to share what i know so that we could benefit from this and more importantly, so that i can remember it better.

ITS vs. IT'S

its is a possesive pronoun, meaning that you use that word to indicate ownership. another way to say it is that it basically means "belong to it".

example: its tail was rather long
   its windows were dusty

it's is a contraction (i.e when a new word is formed from two or more separate words). like don't is a contraction of do not and in this case, it's are usually made of "it has" or "it is".

example: it's really dark in here
               it's not that i was lazy. i was sick, you see

so students, do you understand what i told you? please don't forget to hand in your homework that i've assigned yesterday. kevin, please don't eat in my class and clara? for the twentieth time, no you can't go to the toilet.

heheheh.

PostScript: correct me if my grammar is wrong, i am more than willing to learn and improve :)

Mere Coincidence?

2011-02-01T15:16:00.000-08:00

been bumping on this little fella above a lot lately.and i mean in all and every image and text imaginable. so much so that i might consider hiring a bodyguard to protect myself from this 'stalker' if it was an actual person heheh.

i have a lot to learn, a lot of think of, and a lot of conceal. but i guess, happiness is something that can be achieved, if not naturally found.

i feel a lot positive nowadays, but that doesn't mean the demons in my head has taken its rest. but oh i'll fight it and make sure they'll know who's the boss.

#2

2011-01-30T05:42:00.000-08:00

funny how the shapeless, formless thing that we call water could puncture quite a hole in a rock. given that the water does it every day, bit by bit.

and let's not forget, kata orang, belakang parang kalau diasah, tajam juga.

may i ask you now, is it too far-fetched a thinking to imagine that the countless little gravels that i had to tread on, everyday, could make me limp in the future?

it's because you hurt me, in the exact same way, thousands upon thousands of time, made me what i am today.

im sorry.

but then again maybe im not.

Masih Dia Jugak Lah

2011-01-26T06:18:00.000-08:00

shrek is still the coolest ogre. is there anybody who wants to deny this?

[Landon Pigg]
Golden leaves looked brown to me
The world had lost color without you

[Lucy Schwartz]
Shapes in the sky looked plain to my eyes
The world had lost color without you

[Both]
I know plenty of people
With eyes closed
They don't see you like I do
Darling, I do

[Landon Pigg]
Notes on the keys meant nothing to me
The world didn't sing without you

[Lucy Schwartz]
Birds in the trees fell silent for me
The world didn't sing without you
Without you, oh

[Both]
I know plenty of people
With eyes closed
They don't see you like I do
Darling, I do
Darling, I do see you

PostScript: i dont usually put song lyrics because i never actually read it when other people put it on their blogs, but this one makes me go fuzzy wuzzy and all warmed up *love*

Then How..?

2011-01-22T09:28:00.000-08:00

I can never get used to this. Not now, not ever. No matter how hard I try I just cant.

A Ride To Remember

2011-01-19T08:29:00.000-08:00

(totally a long post. do not read if you have a short attention span)

a few weeks ago, i rode a bus to go to a friend's wedding. the journey started at ten post meridiem and was supposed to arrive at six in the morning. little did i know that the journey would turn out to be something that i would always want to remember.

if you think that this is a pleasant experience (a ride to remember - macam romantik pun ada, macam kenangan manis mengusik jiwa pun ada, lol), you are wrong. nor did i encounter a life-destroying event, though i might beg to say that it would, perhaps, just perhaps, destroy your (my) soul.

actually, i was really happy earlier that day, for just a few hours before the said journey i managed to score myself the lasttttttttt ticket. selalu kan orang mesti la beli tiket awal-awal. like a day before ke apa kan. dapat tiket last kopek pulak tu. so obviously, i got the seat at the farthest back of the bus. but thats ok, im easy to please :)

back to the story. before leaving, the bus picked a few passengers at some nearby stations. i think the driver was really keen on arriving early that the bus hardly stopped for the passengers to board. properly, i mean

and that was when i saw her.

actually, it was a him. bukan kerana yang naik tu seorang mak nyah, but because the lady was led by a man, and this story is about the lady but i spotted the man first. the bus didn't really stop so i saw that they were having quite a difficulty navigating their way to the seat. they almost toppled a few times.

it tugged my heart somehow. so from the backmost lane, i went to the front to assist the lady to her seat. now, now, i hope i didn't fool you for long, for the 'lady' turned out to be an old woman. so old, she can hardly see and what's more, walk properly. i thought that it was the moving bus that caused the sway. "mokcik tak nampak dik, mokcik tak larat nak jalan. tolonglah mok cik, nak. mokcik betul-betul sakit kaki ni. mokcik tak nampak, mokcik tak larat nak jalan". and no, she was not exaggerating. she was using A LOT of energy trying to walk through the narrow walkway to her seat.

but ah, how it sank my heart..

i was aware that the whole damn bus was staring at us. i was embarrassed, and realized that i was being scrutinized closely. i almost fall into the lap of a guy sitting close by. the man leading the old lady (ahem, the old man, actually) was just too happy to see someone to help. apparently, he was there only to escort the old lady to her seat and then left.

excuse me, but would you let your elderly board an eight-hour-ride bus alone at night? a very, very old elderly?

as it turned out, her seat was beside mine. i was only too happy to escort her, but she kept repeating "kaki mokcik sakit sangat ni dik, mokcik tak larat nak jalan, tolonglah nak, mokcik tak larat dah ni". and apparently, even understanding her words was a task and a half. funny how it was really difficult. the staring from the others made it worse. *sigh*

so did you know what i do? of course you don't, lol.

i shoo-ed the nearest person, heheh. something like a "kak, akak pegi seat belakang sekali, boleh tak? makcik ni tak larat nak berjalan la". ~~hehe, bestnya halau orang.~~

so the old lady was seated and i tried my best to make her comfortable. maybe it was a simple thing to do, yes, but i was not too comfortable to be stared at and actually, i almost fall and hugged a lot of things, the bus was moving at quite a speed. and as it turned out, the driver was even irritated at the drama and muttering things like dah-tau-lambat-pandai-pandaila under his breath. *sigh* i feel so very sorry for the old lady who was causing such a commotion in the bus.

i won't lie to you. i felt proud of myself, for helping her. oh, it was an easy peasy task, i know. but why didn't anybody do it? everybody can see that we were struggling to even take a damn step but nobody did a thing, not a finger.

so i spent another few hours feeling proud and angry and slightly embarrassed. and i thought it was the end of it. and i was utterly wrong.

i woke up a few hours later, my bladder practically begging and crying for the toilet. lucky, we were at our 'toilet stop' and so, i went. (ceh, tu pun nak cerita). when i came back to the bus, i saw that the old lady was holding a RM5 note with her hand, going "nak, mokcik lapar, belikan la mokcik makanan. dik, apa dia jual kat sana tu dik, belikan mokcik makanan dik"

[yes, she used "nak" and also "dik" interchangibly]

if i said that my heart had sank earlier, i think, this time, it just fell.

everybody was ignoring her. the V-shaped space between two seats at her front, eh, paham ke?? kejap kejap, give me a second, i'll show you. though i must apologize for the low quality picture, i'm just trying to make a point.

V-area tak semestinya untuk iklan pencuci wanita je ye kawan-kawan

ha, you know that space, right? the old lady was holding her RM5 trying to get somebody to buy her food but people were just looking at her and making face to their neighbour. it was really, really sad.

from my seat at the backmost lane, i saw everything. but i was afraid to ask her what she wanted, because i already knew what is it. i was alone on that bus ride, in the middle of nowhere. my watch told me it was 2.45 a.m, and the kedai makan was full of men (and men of that country does not really have a good reputation between us malaysians) and i just found out, upon going to the toilet tadi, that the place was famous for its santau. i don't think i need to remind you that i am girl travelling alone. can you understand my fear now?

and so the old lady keep trying to get somebody to buy her some food. and she finally managed to do so by grabbing somebody's arm and talking to them directly, rather than randomly at anybody who would listen. the guy just came back from outside. i still remember, she wanted mi goreng and coffee, but settled for a burger and the same drink.

and so i thought, alhamdulillah, i don't have to risk my life to buy some food for a random lady. but then again, if that was how i was to part this world, it was not too bad a way because dying for a good deed is never bad way to go. (for me lah at least, you don't have to agree)

i was relieved, but still, kept my eyes on her. after waiting for a bit, she got her meal. she must've had a really bad eyesight. she had to touch everything to identify it. more like raba, actually. [raba in english apa eh?] then a very sad thing happened. her burger slid off her jubah swiftly to the floor. she spent almost five minutes raba-ing the floor. the young man seating next to her pretended he saw nothing, and it broke my heart to see it so.

fuck you, dude. and fuck you ten times more.

and so, a few hours later, we arrived. my stop was at the rather famous bus station. however, the bus stopped for a few minutes at this one smaller bus station before stopping at the actual destination. (normal la tu, kan?) at the first bus station, i happily reported to my friend, informing that i would arrive shortly.

not long afterwards, the bus finally reached the destination. phew, lama gila.

as i was at the farthest lane, i had to wait for all the passengers to leave the bus. i think the old lady did not realize that we have arrived, so i approached her and went "makcik. kite dah sampai ni. makcik taknak turun ke? makcik nak turun kat mana?".

imagine how i feel, upon knowing that she wanted to turun at the first smaller bus station? so there i was, at 5 in the morning, with a very helpless old lady who just missed her stop. the lady kept lamenting "kenapa laaa tak khabar kat mokcik, jangan laa buat naya kat orang, mokcik ni dah tua, jangan laaaaaaa buat lagu ni".

i wanted to cry for the old lady, realizing how neglected she must have felt and going through what she did. there was nobody in the bus but myself as well as the old lady. from the window, i saw that the driver was talking to his friend and he appeared to be complaining.

and that was when i saw my friend.

ah, who am i kidding? of course, 'friend' here meant Telemachus, the love of my life. i tried to tell the old lady that i needed to see my friend for a moment. i think the old lady was still lamenting and half-crying when i went down to see telemachus (i think she really did have a difficulty seeing because she didn't even notice that i wasn't in front of her) and explained what happened. from the bus driver chatting nearby, i heard words like "lain kali cakap je tiket habis, susah-susah je".

we decided to help the lady. the reluctant bus driver tried to talk to her. apparently she was supposed to meet her nephew at the station but did not have a handphone to call him. [ada lagi orang yang tak own handphone (!) ] the bus driver tried to call the nephew. however, the nephew did not answer his phone. best yet, he did not even switched it on. the bus driver looked even more impatient and suggested that we leave her at the canteen.

hello pakcik, it is 5.30 a.m and you want to leave this helpless old soul in the deserted canteen?

i know for a fact that she could not even manage the long stairs. assisting her to turun the bus was already really tiring. and i mean for her AND for me. but the bus driver, seeing that the old lady was somebody else's problem now, happily drove his bus away saying that his shift starts at in a few hours and he will look for her at the canteen. as if i am that dim-witted to believe him.

so now, the old lady was with telemachus and me. a few of my fellow passengers was still there, looking at us and looking away when i look at them. [come with me now, and let's curse together: fuck you, heartless people]. telemachus wanted to send her to the station that she was supposed to be at. i told him that it was a bad idea. stupid syukri the nephew still did not answer the 134579th phone call from us, how would we know that he would be there to meet his crying aunt?

at one point, she said she would board a taxi to go there. after all, we were in a bus station and there was a "taxi place" nearby. so i sent telemachus to enquire the price. apparently, the "kereta yang bayar-bayar" (the old lady's word) would cause her a good RM50.

"tapi mokcik ada sepuluh ghiya (rial) ja, mokcik takdok duit nak.." plus some more of "macam mana ni macam mana ni, jangan la buat naya kat orang, mokcik mana ada duit, jangan la buat naya kat mokcik, mokcik ni dah tua....."

she even wanted to borrow my money. of course, the "tapi makcik, saya pun takde duit" reached her ear in a nanosecond. who cares about the several hundred bucks in my purse, i am not going to admit to her that i have money although, of course, if she chose the taxi, i'd pay it for her. i just did not want to actually admit that i have money.

it was cold, and i was really tired from the long journey. a small, selfish part of me wondered, how long and how badly will this makcik drag us? there she was, mumbling, and crying. apparently, even the cab driver did not want to send her, because the ever-so-dependable syukri have not answered the phone and the cab driver wouldn't want to be responsible for the old lady. the makcik was really sad that at one point, she even asked to be taken to the nearest police station.

i ached to see her that way. i wish syukri was in front of me so that i could give him a kick at the crotch.

hehe, i guess syukri must have somehow heard my thought, for at last, he answered his phone. telemachus told him to pick the old lady at the station we were at, not at the original station where he was supposed to meet his aunt. by that time, the cab drivers were kind enough to have us sitting at their quarters and wait. i dont think that the old lady even noticed that we have changed our place, from the bus to the "taxi place". and by that time, i think telemachus and i must have spent at least an hour waiting for the old lady. i told her that i had to go, that syukri will be there to pick her up soon.

funny, how this old lady tugged my heart string so much and so many times in such a short period. before i left her, i hugged the old lady and told her i was sorry that i had to leave her. i was really knackered, and i already had plans that i did not want to ruin. my actions was silly, maybe, for the cab drivers went "alaaaa sedihnya, takpe la jangan risau, kitorang ada nak jaga makcik ni".

chissss.....

and so, i left her. i can only trust Allah that nothing bad will happen to her. i hope she's alright now, wherever she may be. and that she is with someone dependable, syukri or not.

i write this entry not to tell people of my good deed.

i write this story to commerate my memory of the poor old lady. i hope my loved ones will never have to endure such things while i have a plate of full rice and a warm bed to sleep on at night, while i still have a soul in my body. i write this to never again have the bad thoughts that i had when i helped the lady. im glad i won over it this time. i wanted to make sure i will win again and hence, this humble entry. i hope that all my fellow passengers are the only people with really selfish hearts that i encounter, for i still want to believe that we are all, as a matter of fact, good people willing to help others.

although we never admit it, helping other people SEMEMANGNYA menyusahkan kita, even for a wee bit. we say it isn't only to kid ourselves and to appear polite. the thing is, i hope i will always choose to be susah, rather than senang. because dear God, i want to be good.

ameen.

PostScript: peh, panjang gila, macam konfem je ada orang yang actually habis baca. ade ke? tolong la komen, penat aku type. even if it's just to tell that indeed, you did read it til the end. hahaha.

Insomnia

2011-01-15T10:00:00.001-08:00

tak seronok langsung. -_-

Motivation

2011-01-11T14:46:00.000-08:00

from justsuper.tumblr.com

i just want to try my best, everyday :)

Hari Ni

2011-01-11T14:37:00.000-08:00

tak tau kenapa,
hari ni matahari memancar macam terang sikit dari selalu.
hari ni bulan bersinar macam terang sikit dari selalu, juga.

mentol yang dalam kepala pun macam menyala terang sikit dari selalu.
tapi yang paling penting,

mentol yang dalam hati memancar, bersinar dan menyala terang dari yang selalu-selalu.

An Ode To An Actress

2011-01-09T10:29:00.000-08:00

i had to write this before the 'new year feeling' leaves us in a whole. it is already slipping by, so i need to make haste. however, i feel very sorry that this so-called ode was a rather, urm...simple one. i don't really have anything of substance to give, other than sincerity. cewah. eh tapi betul ikhlas ni ok.

i was watching semanis kurma (kot?) at tv9 last year. it was a live talkshow, talking about islam in our daily lives (in a nutshell lah, don't quote me on this). the guest was catriona ross. i had not known that she wears a hijab now, and that she survived an accident in 2007 that almost robbed her of her feet.

then, it came to a part when the host asked her, what would she hope for, now that we were fast approaching the new year. while she talked, tears started to pool in her eyes. i was touched. ni kira macam, kalau aku ada depan dia, aku akan berdiri dan letak tapak tangan kat jantung, because i was so proud of her.

she said that she hoped she would get reacquainted with the Quran. get this, re-acquainted. that the last time she opened one (bukan leaf thru the pages) was when she was schooling. that all this while, she lived with some surahs that she managed to recall. and that she could only read the Holy Book now only because she had memorized some surahs and used that as a guide to follow through the letters.

may i humbly ask?

if it was you, being an actress, talking on a LIVE talkshow, would you actually confess such a thing to the whole of the nation?

i don't know if i would. i don't know if you would. but this person, not only could and would, but actually did.

respect filled my heart.

semoga Allah mempermudahkan segala perjalanan dia untuk mencapai apa yang dia mahu.

dear catriona ross, thank you for the inspiration. i want to try to be better, everyday. ameen

PostScript: kan bagus kalau benda macam ini yang diangkat tinggi dan disebut-sebut?

Rasa - Rasanya

2011-01-07T09:11:00.001-08:00

rasa-rasanya, kau terlupa mungkin, apa yang sedang berlaku.

ah well.

A Pointless Picture

2011-01-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

tak tau mengapa tergedik-gedik nak put up this picture.

mungkin kerana i think this is how i might look like sejurus sebelum melempang sesiapa.

tapi oh tidak, saya tidak melempang sesiapa selepas gambar ini diambil :)

The Love Between A Cloud And A Sand Dune

2011-01-02T06:28:00.000-08:00

this story is from Paulo Coelho's Like The Flowing River. i cried after finishing it. and again the next time around. it was so humbly beautiful that it rendered my heart in a state of grace. i hope to be as beautiful as the story. i want to know and believe that i, too, was born to be beautiful, on the inside.

The Cloud and the Sand Dune.

'As everyone knows, the life of a cloud is very busy and very short,' writes Bruno Ferrero. And here's a related story.

A young cloud was born in the midst of a great storm over the Mediterranean Sea, but he did not even have time to grow up there, for a strong wind pushed all the clouds over towards Africa.

As soon as the clouds reached the continent, the climate changed. A bright sun was shining the sky and, stretched out beneath them, lay the golden sands of Sahara. Since it almost never rains in the desert, the wind continued pushing the clouds towards the forests in the south.

Meanwhile, as happens with young humans too, the young cloud decided to leave his parents and his older friends to discover the world.

'What are you doing?' cried the wind. 'The desert's the same all over. Rejoin the other clouds, and we'll go to Central Africa where there are amazing mountains and trees!'

But the young cloud, a natural rebel, refused to obey, and, gradually, he dropped down until he found a gentle, generous breeze that allowed him to hover over the golden sands. After much toing and froing, he noticed that one of the dunes was smiling at him.

He saw that the dune was also young, newly formed by the wind that had just passed over. He fell in love with her golden hair right there and then.

'Good morning,' he said. 'What's life like down there?'.

'I have the company of other dunes, of the sun and the wind, and of the caravans that occasionally pass through here. Sometimes it's really hot, but it's still bearable. What's life like up there?'

'We have the sun and wind too, but the good thing is that I can travel across the sky and see more things.'

'For me,' said the dune, 'life is short. When the wind returns from the forest, I will disappear'.

'And does that make you sad?'

'It makes me feel that I have no purpose in life'.

'I feel the same. As soon as other wind comes along, I'll go south and be transformed into rain; but that is my destiny'.

The dune hesitated for a moment, then said:

'Did you know here in the desert, we call the rain paradise?'

'I had no idea I could be that important,' said the cloud proudly.

'I've heard other older dunes tell stories about the rain. They say that, after the rain, we are all covered with grass and flowers. But I'll never experience that, because in the desert in rains so rarely'.

It was the cloud's turn to hesitate now. The he smiled broadly and said:

'If you like, I could rain on you now. I know I've only just got here, but I love you, and I'd like to stay here for ever.

'When I first saw you up in the sky, I fell in love with you too,' said the dune. 'But if you transform your lovely white hair into rain, you will die'.

'Love never dies,' said the dune. 'It is transformed, and, besides, I want to show you what paradise is like'.

And he began to caress the dune with little drops of rain, so that they could stay together for longer, until a rainbow appeared.

The following day, the little dune was covered in flowers. Other clouds that passed over, heading for Africa, thought that it must be part of the forest they were looking for and scattered more rain. Twenty years later, the dune had been transformed into an oasis that refreshed travellers with the shade of its trees.

And all because, one day, a cloud fell in love, and was not afraid to give his life for that love.

the third time around, it still makes me weep. Alhamdulillah, hari ni aku dapat tahu sikit tentang macam mana cantiknya Allah buat dunia ni. i hope you like the story as much as i do, and thanks for reading it *smile*

Of A New Start

2011-01-02T05:38:00.000-08:00

nama pun a new start, so this marks the end of my so called hiatus. been missing you a lot, bloggie.

so. 2011.

really excited! hoping for good things. hoping for hope.hoping for the hope of good things.

i want to be better. but more importantly, i want to be trying my best, everyday.

everyday. ameen.

Le Parfait

2010-11-25T05:12:00.000-08:00

slipped on an emerald top, and paired it with a pink hijab, with ze humble skinny jeans which curiously always make people think i forgot to zip my fly. funny how i forgot how i looked like,~~and forgive me~~ but i think i looked very nice today.

can anybody actually forgot how they look like, even when they're not disabled somehow?

watched rapunzel.

despite it being 9pm, and knowing i only had a few hours of actual sunshine and TLC, i know that in its own sweet little way, today was and still is

perfect.

PostScript: regrettably, i don't think i'll be writing for some time. a hiatus of sort, perhaps. hope to be back with a smile. patient much?

Mahatma Gandhi

2010-11-19T07:07:00.000-08:00

"there must be mental control, for a man might hold his tongue yet swear mentally, or curb sex and crave it. repression is not enough. repression must be without regrets; ultimately repression should yield into sublimation"

terkedu den, adoi. thanks grandpa!

Of Coconut Milk And The Speck Of Dust. Yes, I Wrote This For You.

2010-11-19T04:59:00.000-08:00

i remember it fondly now, a speck of my memory dust that i will always treasure. i was ten, twelve at the most, and i was helping mama in the kitchen. mama was teaching me how to obtain the coconut milk from the coconut shavings. for some reason, i am dead sure we were making curry, and that it was on a very, very warm sunday afternoon.

twelve years ago, coconut milk is not the white, bulging packet of thick liquid that you buy from the wet market. neither it is the boxed, more convenient version of itself, displayed neatly on the shelves of a supermarket. no. at least for us, it wasn't.

coconut milk was obtained by shaving the 'innards' of a coconut, (perhaps pulsing it a bit in a blender) before squeezing the heavy pulp that looks like a wet snow. even squeezing it needs the right way and the right angle, that your thumb should be facing down and your pinkie facing up so that the juice can trickle on that all-important finger without making too much of a mess. i remember my arms were sore, and that it was boring.

but sometimes, due to the lack of time, mama would freeze the coconut shavings, and i had to pulse it in the blender with warm water.

meet tiana, the smarty pants who used the hot water straight from the thermos. rasa macam rendam tangan dalam air kopi warna putih T______T but i was one determined child back then. resolved, i'd still squeeze it without showing the slightest mercy to my hands. it had hurt. a lot.

and at one point, the burning feeling simply stopped and i become immune to it, somehow. but hours afterwards, i can hardly use my hand to even wipe my snot if that is the last thing i can do.

and that is what you did to me.

it was so bad, i ceased to feel. and that numb is a cruel understatement. i hope i can forgive you one day, but for now, i hope none of us will die so that we won't have any unfinished business between us, you and me.

God help me, i need my old, sweet self back, all hopeful and innocent.

Disney Again.

2010-11-18T21:33:00.000-08:00

i am such a CHILD. (but screw you if you think liking disney makes you childish)

Cinderella:
[ ] One of your parents is dead
[X] You are expected to do a lot of chores
[ ] You love to dress up
[x] You love animals
[ ] You are waiting patiently for your Prince Charming
[ ] Your mom is really strict
[x] You have sisters who seem kind of jealous of you
[x] You’re afraid to speak your mind sometimes
[x] You have left your shoes at a friend’s house before
[ ] You have blonde hair
TOTAL: 5

Belle:
[ ] You’ve kissed someone your friends didn’t like
[x] You’ve been lost in the forest
[x] You love to read
[ ] You are not shy at all, and not afraid to speak your mind
[x] One of your family members is a bit weird
[x] You have done volunteer work
[x] You have a wild imagination
[x] You love to take care of people in need
[x] You’ve had guys like you only because they think you’re pretty
[x] You’ve rejected at least one person when they’ve asked you out
TOTAL: 8

Jasmine:
[ ] Your dad is very rich/important
[x] You are clever
[x] You’ve been with someone way different from you
[x] You’re unique and different from everyone else
[X] You’d never marry someone just because they were rich
[x] You have set a lot of goals for yourself
[x] You don’t have a lot of friends
[ ]You’re independent
[ ] You are wealthy
[x]Your parents try to control your life
TOTAL: 7

Ariel:
[x] Your parents expect a lot from you
[x] You really try to follow the rules, but it’s hard for you
[ ] You’re a bit of a trouble maker
[ ] You’re the youngest in your family or in the last 2
[x] You have a lot of sisters (3 or more)
[x] you collect something
[x] You have/had long, hair
[x] You have/had a pet fish
[x] You’re extremely curious
[ ] You have red/ginger hair
TOTAL: 7

Snow White;
[ ] You know that you’re beautiful
[ ] Sometimes it seems like your mom is jealous of you
[ ] You’ve almost been killed
[x] You have at least seven good friends
[x] You’ve had food poisoning
[x] You have/had short hair
[x] You get along with almost everyone
[x] All of your friends are different
[x] You love to have a good time
[ ] You’re happier when you’re out of the house than in
TOTAL: 6

Mulan;
[x] You can be a tomboy sometimes.
[x] People wish you could be a bit more girly
[x] You’ve pretended to be someone you’re not
[x] You’ve had a physical fight with someone
[x] You have/had considered running away from home
[x] Your parents try to plan your life out
[ ] a lot of your friends are boys
[x] You sometimes find yourself in bad situations
[x] You love your family so much that you’d do anything to protect them
TOTAL: 8

Aurora;
[ ] You live/have lived with someone other than your parents
[ ] You almost died at a very young age
[ ] You are gentle, loving, and/or thoughtful
[ ] You have a decent singing voice
[x] You like to sleep in late on the weekends
[ ] You spend most of your time outside
[ ] You’re adopted
[x] You’re very romantic
[x] Pink is one of your favorite colors
TOTAL: 3

Pocahontas:
[x] You love to walk around and explore big cities
[x] You are more spiritual than religious
[ ] You’ve been in an interracial relationship
[x] One of your family members is dead (mum, dad, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa)
[ ] Your parents are very protective of you
[ ] Someone you know has been in war
[x] You love nature
[x] You have/had black hair
[x] You would love to move somewhere exotic and beautiful
[x] You’re very adventurous
TOTAL: 7

you think you know me better now..?

bruno...

2010-11-15T07:03:00.000-08:00

hello... ni erysa mohamad

13.11.2010...

adalah tarikh kematian anak kucing ku... nana skali la ye...

name die ialah bruno... mama kate roh die sekarang kat atas sane...

maksudnye... kat... syurga lah... tau2 je lah kan...

kite dpt tengok muke die... pagi pade tarikh yang same lah..

mase 2... bruno dah puleh skt tau... lps 2... nana balut

bruno dengan... baju mane2 la kn... balek2 je... bruno telah...

kite nangis... mase tengok bruno tu hati kite mcm nak...

ptg tu kite n nana tmn die tau... sebelum 2 kite buat " PENSEL NISAN"

untuk die pas2 wat surat... petik bunga...buat lagu...bagi barang trsayang

tiap2 hari ckp " GOOD MORNING 'BRUNO'"... DPN KUBUR NYE...

2 je lah yg kite dpt tulis ye?

"MINTA MAAF JIKA TERSALAH CAKAP... DAN SEBAGAI NYA...

ASSALAMUALAIKUM...

2010-11-14T10:05:00.001-08:00

tak larat nak macam ni.
hm.

And Then..

2010-11-12T17:14:00.000-08:00

i guess, it was just his time, bruno. he slipped away from me, right when i was holding him tight, bundling him in an old t-shirt, like a baby. just like that, bruno was not bruno anymore.

semalam, bruno nampak ok. the swelling has reduced a tad, and he walked and explored a fair bit more than he used to. i even told atoy that by sunday, bruno would be up and running and being the sweetest kitty you would ever know.

my arms hang from my body now, limp. rasa macam ada kerja yang terlupa nak buat, and tak sedap hati because of that. i never felt it, not this way. i was just out of matriculation when tuah, our 10 year old persian cat died. we bought him when he was 2 months old and i practically grow up with him.

somehow in the back of my mind, they were kidding, i thought. exaggerating, at least. takkan kucing mati pun kau boleh sampai tak lalu makan, tak lalu main..? i thought i was immune to it, tuah was my grand ultimate proof.

ahh, apparently i was wrong..

pity that i live in a pretentious world. 24 year olds don't go crying around when their cat died.

bye now, bruno. i hope you know that you were loved.

for always and always.

101st Post And Bruno's Turn

2010-11-10T11:08:00.000-08:00

i know, i know, that it was far too recent a happening that i lamented about peachy's health. she's fine now, running around and being her ol' garang self. si kecik yang comot tu memang, paling bising, paling lembik, tapi paling garang hahah. and not to mention manja!

but alas, alas..

i started to suspect something when bruno wasn't being his sweet, easy-going self. on monday, i knew why. i found out a small puncture underneath his 'chin'. haha kucing ada dagu ke? i don't know what do you call that area, but it is the area for a girl to (usually) pin her hijab, right underneath the chin. the area was glistening with pink liquid, some part blood and some part interstitial fluid. merening, kata orang utara. (correct me if i'm wrong). i think one of the babies bit bruno there, when the playing got rough.

but whatev, bruno was sick. by evening, the area got swollen and bruno started to develop a 'cheek' on the left side of his face. macam pipi besar sebelah. badan dah start panas, panas macam peachy hari tu. bruno just sat there, it made me feel really bad. sometimes keluar nanah ok !__________!

and now, as of wednesday, the swelling got worse. far worse that he can hardly move or eat much. he got ginormous cheeks now. note the plural. haih. badan dia panas sangat. pastu kadang-kadang die mengamuk sorang-sorang sebab sakit nak bergerak kot. i can't even lift him up by pinching the extra skin on the back of his neck, because even that area there is swollen.

i don't know, i am so worried. i feel like such a bad, bad mom. i dont care if you think im being dramatic, i really do love them kitties. sobs.

because they are so young, i dont think bruno can pass through this. i feel really sad. kenapa sedih sangat ni. badan die panas macam budak demam panas. dulu kak long ada cakap, kalau kucing sakit, tak kire la sakit apa pun, just bagi dia makan ubat demam. yes, our ubat demam. tapi ni kitten, bukan kucing. they are just a few weeks old, kau nak bunuh kucing tu ke? better let they die naturally then poison die kot.

aaa malas nak sambung im really upset. i din even check what i wrote. sorry if you dont understand my words bye. doakan bruno, please. :(

How I Plan To Spend My..

2010-11-09T08:15:00.000-08:00

it's two out of seven done. baby, it's me and you.

and plus a kitty, it'd be perfect.

just perfect.

Pilot Tears (Updated)

2010-11-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

8th November 2010; 11.49 post meridiem (yes, that is what p.m stands for)

was happily concentrating at the movie, when i heard an unusually loud sob. pushing the door opens to a crying atoy, face down at the end of her single bed, the waterworks set at maximum speed. complete with the chilling wail, gasping shoulders and barely-able-to-breathe kind of cry..you know, waterworks......

a few round of questioning yield me the answer: the missing pencilbox. "ada enam pensel tekan pilot dalam tu la nana!!!!!! atoy sayang tau, cantik pencilbox tu!!!" *bawl*

dear atoy, sayang, love, not to make light of your suffering, but how i miss the days when my main source of grief is my missing pencilbox, no matter how many pilot pens and pencils i might own. ahhh.. those were the days..

can't say you hate your childhood, aye people?

PostScript: if i need to tell you that a.m. stands for ante meridiem, kau ambik lah limeploh kat tepi tuh. haha

UPDATE: a few hours later, atoy tersengih-sengih and told mama that she found the "missing" pencilbox in her room. yes, the room that i found her crying in. CISSSSSS...

Break Not My Heart

2010-11-05T08:40:00.000-07:00

peachy sakit. it worries me sick. i held her all day long, it made atoy frown and say things like "nana jaga anak kucing macam jaga anak sendiri". while all her siblings were playing with each other, jumping around, exploring the house and trying to ruin mama's expensive tassles, peachy laid almost lifeless, sometimes barely breathing and the other times shivering.

a few hours ago she was feeling really unwell, she went a Number Two on my shirt. an uncontrollable one. funny how tahi makes me feel like bawling my eyes out out of sadness.where did the automatic geli went to?

no wonder she's been really, really greedy with her food lately. no wonder she shivers viciously when i bathe her. no wonder she was always too warm. no wonder she insists on lying on the dirty mat near the stove whenever i cook. no wonder no wonder no wonder.

petang tadi tidur dengan peachy. kenapa sedih bila fikir balik ni?

peachy baby please get well soon, don't leave me and please please don't break my heart..

Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Mysterious Turns

2010-11-05T08:29:00.000-07:00

it was years and years ago, that i bought e-wayne Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. e-wayne was so young back then, spending that amount of money for a story book that she might never read seemed stupid.

the book has been lying around the house ever since. even when 'house' meant bandar baru bangi, to bandar tenggara (a rather brief period), to kulai.

my initial worry, as it turned out, was uncalled for. she read the book and alhamdulillah, liked it. funny it took me a lot of years to finally pick it up and do the same. i just finished the book around ten minutes ago, the book's aftertaste still lingering strongly in my mind's tongue.

i know that i am not the world's most 'read' person, and sometimes i know nothing of the current craze. [masa aku 16 dulu, masa Ada Apa Dengan Cinta was a big hit, i stayed out of it and thought that rangga was an upcoming event/shopping mall pffft]. maybe what im wondering is even a well-known fact, but still, i have to admit, i know nothing of this little thing im thinking of.

lemony snicket seems like a very, very troubled writer. in the middle of a scene, he abruptly paused and talked about the time when he attended a masquerade party. and mentioned about how he cried when he saw the love of his life, dressed up as a dragonfly. how the past was like a brilliant hurting, something he keeps so closely in his heart. without seeming to miss a beat, he continues narrating about the misfortunes of the baudelaire orphan.

he was brilliant but simple, comforting but strangely mysterious.

but something bothers me. i cant really put my finger on it yet. i guess this is why i'm yapping away, and that is why you will be (bored) reading it later (now). im trying to get it our of my chest. but more than a lot of things, what i find strangely beautiful, was him.

oh man, im not gonna sleep tonight, thinking about this am i?

Not My Favourite Mistake

2010-11-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

you reap what you sow.

kalau kau tumis rempah kari, logik ke nak mengharap caramel pudding jadi hasilnya? kalau sarang tebuan yang kau nak jolok, logik ke expect anak kucing datang sayang-sayang kat kaki kau?

at this point of time (and age), you should at least be responsible for your own action, kalau tak larat nak be responsible for the others'. now look at what monsters you released, simply because your curiosity demands that you open the box of lies that you thought was the "interesting" pandora.

such a pity that i don't really remember where i read this, but i wish to quote it nonetheless.

"stupid. shit where you eat"

don't take this with a hard feeling. remember, it is you who wanted this. i love you. and this, i take as an unfriendly reminder for me as well. sometimes, the price that you pay for doing the same mistake twice is just too high. let's just not find out how dire it will be, shall we?

take care, and let's not worry too much now. its useless, and we all know it. takpe lah, benda dah lepas. now is damage control time. flunk this one as well, don't.

PostScript: on a happier note, am attempting a little, humble something today. you'll hear about it if i succeed, heheh. wish me luck lovies!

The Fifth!

2010-11-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

31st October 2010 marked our fifth anniversary. alhamdulillah, nothing changed and what little that did, it was for the better. but it was a bit sad, though, that not only that i didn't get to meet Ze Boyfie to celebrate our anniversary, i got into a huge a__ trouble for something i did not do. to say that it was unfair, would be a staggering understatement. but underneath it all, i know i was lucky. extremely lucky. thank you, mister B. [as in Boyfriend, if you couldn't pick up what B is lol]

it was funny, how things turn out. studying in labuan, was kind of a stuck-between-two-world thingy. sebab nak kata belajar jauh, tak la jauh mana pun. but hell, it certainly isn't near or easily accessible. and what's more, in UMS-KAL, which i am sure you won't really understand my point unless you have been there yourself. we learn to depend on each other for a lot of things and i guess, here we are today.

and palapes! oh my, how can i forget palapes? if labuan was a glue, palapes was easily the Gam Gajah Paling Kuat Dalam Dunia, hahaha. very, very early on i get to see him in all sorts of unattractive circumstances. covered in sweats, in mud, in blood, in grass, in sand, in some very suspicious murky brown almost-solid mud in the middle of a forest, in the damn taik lembu that we rolled on, we rarely get to play all macho (for him) and elegant (for her) around each other. memang tak payah lah. but for some obscure reason, it didn't matter. no, it never did matter. i like to think that it was the same thing for him, too. burnt to a deep bronze, somehow i know (think) he still sees me as beautiful. even if that hideous bronze mask of horror was crying or cursing or complaining for all the hell that is palapes, somehow, La Boyf made me think that i was still attractive.

ahh, the bliss. alhamdulillah. bb you really are one in a million. but the world doesn't have to know that, do they?

entah, nak cakap banyak-banyak, malu. and i think i've already talked too much. i just hope that we'll make it to the end, together. ameeeeeeen.

first picture. sorry ganesan! oh also first time pegang M-16, maafkanlah. hehe

and really, what would you thought of a boyfriend that actually scaled mount kinabalu for you because it just wasn't meant to be that you could do it at that time? seriously, what would you thought of that kinda boyfriend? yes Muhammad Hanif bin Amir Hamzah is that awesome oh tadi baru cakap tamo cakap banyak dah ok ok i shuddup now. doakan kami selamat ke jinjang pelamin, sahabats. bb i cant wait to celebrate our 56789th anniversary with you *love*

ok, sorry, will stop now. sila jangan muntah. thanks for reading!

PostScript : look at my cheek! my thigh! but i was so fat! argh!!

PostPostScript : look at him, so kurus! haha. tayah la serious sangat oi anip hahahahaha

Remember This

2010-10-27T06:36:00.000-07:00

remember this : they say its the smallest things that make you the happiest.

today i prepared kari-kur ayam (mama's recipe) and ikan sweet sour as well as salad. then, mama came home, along with the others. atoy squealed at the kitchen when she saw dora, saying how she could not believe how cute the little muggins is.

it was 6.30pm, and it was beginning to get dark outside. i asked for mama to taste some of my cooking. mama says that a pinch of salt and the dish would be perfect. then from the kitchen i get to see them hanging out in front of the tv, playing with the kittens.

bliss.

they say its the smallest things that makes you the happiest.
and i could never agree more.

alhamdulillah.

The Babies

2010-10-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

i promised you pictures of the kitties we took in the other day, so here i am, fulfilling my word. the kitties are such snuggle-maker, it made my day. everyday. save the gibbs, tiana, and just show them the kitties okay? tsk, okay.

let's start with dora. dora got its name because she liked to explore. (dora the explorer, geddit?) and oh, please excuse the grass, i dont know why it went pale. even the neighbours who used the same landscaping company had the same problem. must be the weather or something *shrugs*

the second is peachy. my favourite, despite it being very needy and sangat-sangat comot. i sprinkle milk powder (meant for cats) when they eat and peachy looks like she actually bathed in them. she become my instant favourite the first night we bought them kitties in. there were only three of them originally, we didn't know we accidentally left another one because they were all over the boarding place. the kitties were scared to death and it was obvious. you know what peachy did? she spat at us whenever we tried to touch them. especially when we tried to touch her siblings. yes, spat. not as in, ludah. but as in, mengeluarkan bunyi amaran yang sangat keras. and i thought cats only hiss or mew or something like that. and at such a young age, too? im so proud :')

the third is bruno. (as in bruno mars, ye nads, you got that right). hands down, the naughtiest of the lot. i did not get to shoot a decent picture of him, simply because he's constantly running around and destroying mama's aloe vera plant or wrecking some mini-chaos haha. he's such a charmer.

last but not least, bobby, rivalling dora closely in the cute department. comel sangat!! the easiest to take care, easiest to please. i like to think that him being accidentally left behind for two days made him so independent. likes to play with the bigger cats, and sometimes were scratched at.

hehe, now that you know them, i thought id show you how we spend our time with the babies. kitties, they grow up so fast, i need a way to remember them just this way, you know what i mean? mane la tau, tiba-tiba i wont be around the house to keep an eye on them anymore, sobs. ceh tibe-tibe emo. hahah. feast your eyes, mate! i hope you find them as cute and as lovable as i do.

peachy, jangan kacau aunty darling tengah makan....

oh, i just have one thing that breaks my heart. you see, i mentioned earlier that they hardly know how to lick milk from plates, right? and judging by their age, of course they were constantly looking for their mother. im their mom now. take dora for example, often she'd climb to my tummy, starts to bite and lick like crazy and pretend that the shirt im wearing is a nipple. she'll wet it with her saliva, pastu suck on her own air liur, konon macam itu milk. it really, really breaks my heart :(

basah and rosak ok baju...

dear kitties, i know you will never read this, but i love you and am glad we saved you. ahh, im going down to play with them. until later, ok?

Blog Issues

2010-10-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

am i doing something wrong here, or is it just me who can't go through my archive? my own archive, hello? what im trying to say is if i click on a specific month, it just does not work. jadi nak skodeng diri sendiri pun susah. yes thats how tech savvy i am haha.

apart from that, i am slowly crawling my way to build this humble cyber-space of mine. hehe.

but the archive thingy is starting to bug me. i tried reinstalling the whole template but its just the same.

am i doing something wrong here, or is it just me who can't go through my archive?

~~yes thats how tech savvy i am haha~~ but no seriously, i need your help.

Friend

2010-10-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

i wrote a lot. deleted even more. i wanted you to know. but i guess im not in that list anymore. so you drew the line, separating your world from mine. but i remember the curve of your mouth saying we'd be forever.

forever.

ah well, maybe forever in your book means 'until i grow weary and bored'.
ah well, alhamdulillah lah, kalau macam tu. lady gaga once said it, overbearing and provocative as she is. "nothing else i can say".

hahahaha. maybe next time then. and next time here does not mean the nearest window of opportunity, but the soonest opening of heart.

"nothing else i can say"

It Happens Sometimes

2010-10-19T08:43:00.000-07:00

it happens sometimes. the sound. it sounds like a bell. a metal wind chime, perhaps. as far as im concerned, my ears are in a good shape. i wondered in the first place because it's just highly unlikely that a tinkling sound comes from your window. no im not kidding. not crazy, too (i hope). and i only hear it at night. once, at 3am, while hanging on the phone.a few times more after that. and, right now.

well, there is no problem, right? no, other than just a minor one. WE DONT FUCKING OWN A DAMN BELL OR A DAMN WIND CHIME IN THE HOUSE.

since moving to kulai, i only had a few friends coming over. so i assume most of you don't know that we hardly have any neighbour here, as most of the houses are still on the process of selling/moving in. kalau ada jiran pun, well, urm...paham-paham la, orang kaya, they mostly prefer privacy. but no, in my immediate vicinity, the houses are not occupied yet.

fuck i heard the bell again. i swear to god, it comes from right outside my window.

sorry for the expletives, but somehow tonight, i feel nervous listening to it. no, bukan tonight, but RIGHT NOW. its tinkling as we speak, sometimes louder than it should have.i wish i could just peek and see whats wrong, but my window is rather high up and hello, tak boleh tunggu sampai siang ke at least? tsk.

ah well, mari sedapkan hati sendiri. (i heard it again and accidentally swore dalam hati, can you please explain to me how does the sound of a bell tinkling chills your spine?) hm. im sure it is nothing, yes?

yes tiana, it is nothing and you can prove it to yourself right the next morning.

and by the way, just wanted to tell you what ive been up to lately. and why.

Borrow Me Some Smile

2010-10-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

just a little something to brighten your day. ain't that angel a bonafide diamond? makes me feel like fast-forwarding life into the time where i'll have two,three kids and i'll find every occasion possible to dress them that way. its too cute not to try!

talking about babies, we got ourselves some new kitten. picked them up in a box somewhere near the worker's boarding, someone left them there. the kitties barely knew how to lick milk from a platter, we had to force feed them so they wont starve. rumah ni macam nak jadi haven for cats pulak. mula-mula, it was miko. we got it from the internet. no, i did not google for one lepas tu laptop keluarkan kucing sekor, we got it from a stranger who was about to go overseas and had way too many cats. haha. but miko's dead now, i think. one day he just didnt show up anymore. he must have been some stray dog's lunch. you're such a good cat miko, i miss you :(

after that, there's darling. darling Darling, the noor of my eyes, cewah. so beautiful, i saw dollops of jealousy in people's heart when they meet her. hahah, the ones yang tanya "tak nak bagi kite ke kucing ni?" anyways. well people, over my dead frozen rotting battered body ok. i've been meaning to introduce her to you, tapi i always lack pretty pictures. nanti lah, ye.

then there was twinkle, whom we adopted. whom i suspected to be mentally cuckoo. but love anyways. and pumpkins, who mama calls toby. mama selalu main sedap-sedap je tukar nama kucing. darling becomes minah gemuk/minah gebu, twinkle becomes awang, haha banyak lah, malas nak ingat.

tsk, i wanted to share you a picture actually. but end up babbling about the kitties. sorry!

2010-10-13T10:39:00.001-07:00

cant sleep and feel like cursing. dont make me start, ive been curse-free for a long time ok!!! hahahah

So I'll Wait

2010-10-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

school was easy, yes? if you don't understand something, the teacher would explain it to you. relentlessly, sometimes. until you get it and could not even remember what was so impossible about it. well if you don't, it was easy, too. rinse and repeat the process, until you finally do understand. change the style of explanation, maybe change your perspective and slowly (but surely), you are bound to grasp the concept.

but for the matter of the heart, it wasn't so easy, obviously. carrie said it, in sex and the city the movie.

"miranda, you’re a lawyer. you can argue both sides of any case but, why we feel what we feel isn’t logical. it’s emotional. sorry, harvard - i’m afraid you’re going to have to make this decision based on your emotions"

to the uninitiated, this was when miranda was deciding if she still wants to be with steve. steve cheated on her. she was in a dilemma, and realized that this is when all the logical thinking means nothing, if the heart is not in it.

perhaps an excerpt from khaled hosseini's the kite runner can drive the point home.

"...i wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night"

i don't know, i wish i can tell you what i mean. but all i know now is, at the end of the day, if your heart does not let you understand, you wont. you just wont. like everything else, your heart needs time,too. unlike intellectual capacity, or academical endeavour, matters like these can't be forced.

and shan't.

so, i guess, its okay. i'll wait. dear heart, i love you, i'll wait til you understand. never mind what the mind thinks, i'll wait for you to understand.

love,
me.

Pengumuman Separa Urgent

2010-10-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

kepada cik seperti yang dipeluk di dalam gambarajah, sila hubungi saya pada kadar yang segera untuk tujuan menangkap atas (catching up).

PostScript : memang agak susah kadang-kadang, apabila buddy berada jauh.

Of Disney Princesses, Heroines and the Etceteras

2010-10-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

the first time i heard this question was in a beauty pageant, "who is your favourite disney princess?", which the set of answer was A) cinderella B) pocahontas C) belle D) mulan. little did i know that that question would really haunt me until years and years later. somehow i find it really, really informative of who you are, as a girl. (if you are a girl reading this lah kan).

cuma as time goes by, i find the need to alter the question slightly, into "who is your favourite disney heroine?" because not all leading ladies are princesses (hello, mulan?). come to think of it, so is belle, who became a princess by marriage. (and oh, cinderella as well kan?) but eh, is The Beast a prince? just because he lives in a abandoned castle/mansion doesn't make him a prince kan?

entah, entah. that's why i changed it to 'heroines' haha.

i remember that time, i was 11 or so. i started to become a tad obsessed with the question so i started my own little survey. as far as other girls are concerned, i find that most of them favoured belle. but can you guess which is mine?

yup, its mulan yaw! come on, saving china? who cares for a pair of glass slipper! i'd rather kick some butt or at the very least, conquer a tall post only with sheer brain and energy. coolness! *insert emoticon pakai cermin mata di sini*

but i guess, that is before tiana, disney's first black princess. i have a hard time deciding my favourite then. with a name like mine, what probability do i have waiting for a tiana to come up? kau tahu tak aku spend hidup aku mencari apa-apa tiana tak kira la on a key chain, tajuk lagu, or anything of that sort? jadi maafkanlah budak teruja ni (walau pun princess and the frog tu isn't exactly new). heh.

but ah well, look how far i have rambled. actually, this post was originally a simple one, but did i not tell you previously, that i am just a chatty natter beak? what i wanted to show was basically my Disney List, because i am a geek like that. bahahah, enjoy!

Most Good Looking Disney Heroine

dont know if you disagree, but sumpah gile lawa!

Most Good Looking Disney Hero

couldn't find a better picture but again, sumpah hensem!

Best Disney Villain

sebab dia intelligent and smartly calculative

Most Likeable Couple

because they really look like someone i'd confide in hehe

Most Hampeh Hero

couldn't get a better picture. wanted to show prince charming actually, dengan ucapan "hey dude if you dig the dame, why cant you at least join the search?"

Best Sidekick

as if there's anybody who wouldn't want a genie to fulfil their wishes!

Best Plot

tak tak ni bukan sebab tiana tu. tapi sebab the twist at the ending. so naisssss

i hope i dont sound like i'm ten or anything, but disney is way cool. and i don't care if this qualifies me into the dorky club now. (boleh aku buat jaket persatuan dorky semalaysia. and yes, gambar kat belakang ada disney!)

so, girls, i would like to know this: who is your favourite disney heroine?

PostScript: seriously, im curious. would love some comment kthxbye. and oh, guys pun boleh hahaha.

Jaded.

2010-10-06T03:02:00.000-07:00

feeling jaded.

in many sense of words.
help me, ya Allah.

"hell is empty, and all the devils are here"

-william shakespeare

I do not have to build a perfect wall today. I just have to lay a perfect brick. Just lay one brick, dude.

2010-10-03T05:41:00.000-07:00

it was years ago. mister chummy and i were doing on reading session at the library. somehow, my hunger was primarily in my mind. no, itu bukan bermaksud aku tak lapar masa tu, tapi during those years, my mind was hungry, and not my tummy. hence, the reading session that we created and attended religiously. and that was simply how i come to admire will smith.

iya bah, will smith.

the article i happened upon was in reader's digest. i don't know, it must have been 2007, paling-paling pun 2008 lah, but i can not seem to forget that piece of interview. it moved me somehow. so i thought i'd share it with you. i learnt a lot, and i hope you can pick up a few pointers as well.

and oh, that was not the full interview, i thought that i didn't want to bore you because it might be too long and of course, we might not be inspired by the same things, so i only bold-ed the part that attracted me the most. (credit to reader's digest. also the picture)

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RD: You grew up in the '70s in Philadelphia. What was your neighborhood like?
Smith: It was probably 50 percent Orthodox Jewish. One neighborhood over were all the pretty little Muslim girls. Mine was a Baptist household, and I went to a Catholic school. I was surrounded by different religions.
RD: What was your experience growing up black in this neighborhood?
Smith: My school was 90 percent white, but 90 percent of the kids I played with were black. So I got the best of both worlds. I think that is where my comedy developed. In black neighborhoods, everybody appreciated comedy about real life. In the white community, fantasy was funnier. I started looking for the jokes that were equally hilarious across the board, for totally different reasons.

RD: Is it true that at one point you were planning to go to MIT?
Smith: My mother, who worked for the School Board of Philadelphia, had a friend who was the admissions officer at MIT. I had pretty high SAT scores and they needed black kids, so I probably could have gotten in. But I had no intention of going to college.

RD: Because you got a record deal?
Smith: My first record came out while I was a senior in high school, which is dangerous. Life is too good.

RD: So you said, "Mom, gotta tell ya..."
Smith:I told my parents I wanted to rap. They said, "Rap?" My mother graduated from Carnegie Mellon. She thought college was the only way. My father could kind of see doing something differently. We agreed that I would take a year making music, and if it did not work out, I would go to college. That year we won the first Grammy given to a rap artist.

RD: How did your mom react?
Smith: She backed up a little bit. I sent her one of those 300E Mercedes, and she was cool.

RD: Have you ever thought about going back to college?
Smith: The things that have been most valuable to me I did not learn in school. Traditional education is based on facts and figures and passing tests -- not on a comprehension of the material and its application to your life. Jada and I homeschool our children, because the date of the Boston Tea Party does not matter.

RD: But there are some basics in education that need to be taught.
Smith: Of course there are. Reading, writing and arithmetic, because those are the languages of our country.

RD: When you say you homeschool, do you mean you actually teach them?
Smith: No, we have hired teachers who teach what we feel is important. For example, Plato's Republic -- kids need to know that. Why is that not taught in first grade?

RD: You think kids in elementary school should read Plato's Republic?
Smith: Yeah. You cannot be an American without reading it and Aristotle's Politics. That is what the forefathers of this country read, and they used them to create what I believe is the finest system of government that has ever existed.

RD: So, you don't see any reason to go back to a formal education yourself?
Smith: I know how to learn anything I want to learn. I absolutely know that I could learn how to fly the space shuttle because someone else knows how to fly it, and they put it in a book. Give me the book, and I do not need somebody to stand up in front of the class.

RD: They put physics in a book, but I know I could never be a physicist.
Smith: The first step is you have to say that you can.

D: In The Pursuit of Happyness, you play the real-life Chris Gardner [profiled in this month's "Money Makers"], who in the early '80s was a single father living on the streets with his son. But he got an internship at Dean Witter and ended up a multimillionaire, the owner of his own brokerage firm. He was a very determined man who believed in himself, and you seem to share similar views on life.
Smith: The thing I connected to was his desire to win.

RD: Deciding that if you want to do something, you're going to do it.
Smith: Absolutely.

RD: Your son Jaden plays your son in the movie. How did that come about?
Smith: I was reading the script one night, and he said, "I can do that, Daddy." He'd done a couple of sitcom appearances, but had no formal theatrical training other than good genes.

RD: You're telling me!
Smith: You mix up a couple of actors, chances are you might get an actor! There is a scene where he loses his Captain America and has to cry. He told me, "I am embarrassed." I said, "Listen, you take your time. When you create art, the world has to wait. But when you finally deliver, it will be beyond anything they ever imagined. You know what it feels like. You know the pain of losing Captain America." He took a few minutes, started sniffling, and he said, "You can roll now."

RD: Does he want to do more acting?
Smith: Yeah. He says he wants to make comedy, though.

RD: Do you worry about the problems many child actors face?
Smith: No. I do not believe in getting trapped in a pattern when you recognize the pattern. The child-actor patterns are obvious. I am kind of a student of the patterns of the universe. When my partner, James Lassiter, and I came to Hollywood, I said, "I want to be the biggest movie star in the world." We observed that of the top ten movies of all time, ten were special effects or animation. Nine were special effects or animation with creatures. Eight were special effects or animation with creatures and a love story. So we made Independence Day. When you see the patterns, you just try to put yourself in the position to get lucky.

RD: How did you get into the pattern of looking at patterns?
Smith: My father was in the military, so everything was really regimented.

RD: Was he a taskmaster?
Smith: Oh, yeah, he was very serious about things being a certain way. When my father got out of the Air Force, he started his own refrigeration business. I might have been 12 and my brother 9 when one day he decided he wanted a new front wall at his shop. He tore the old one down -- it was probably 16 feet high and 40 feet long. And he told us that this was going to be our gig over the summer. We were standing there thinking, There will never, ever, be a wall here again. We went brick by brick for the entire summer and into winter and then back into spring. One day there was a wall there again. I know my dad had been planning this for a long time. He said, "Now, don't you all ever tell me there's something you can't do." And he walked into the shop. The thing I connect to is: I do not have to build a perfect wall today. I just have to lay a perfect brick. Just lay one brick, dude.

RD: How about your mom? What lessons did she imprint on you?
Smith: My mother just could not stand improper English. If you ran out of the house screaming, "Where y'all gonna be at?" she would say, "Hopefully y'all gonna be behind that preposition." My grandmother would say, "A yawl is a boat, baby."

RD: You and Jada have been married nine years and, by all accounts, are very happy. What's the key?
Smith: Communication. And divorce cannot be an option.

RD: Your first marriage ended in divorce.
Smith: That is probably the most painful loss of my life. I quit. I could have fixed it. It really was not that bad.

RD: Some would say there's no reason to stay if a marriage isn't good.
Smith: Once you say that, you've lost. With Jada, I stood up in front of God and my family and friends and said, "Till death do us part." So there are two possible outcomes: We are going to be together till death, or I am dead.

RD: But people do have problems in marriage.
Smith: Jada and I have problems; everybody has problems. People ask, "What happens if you made a mistake?" Well, you should be a little more careful before you stand up in front of God and your family and friends and say, "Till death do us part."

RD: Has your success surprised you?
Smith: For a long time now, I have been beyond anything that I ever dreamed. I just put my head down and run hard, and I am almost always surprised when I look up and see where I am.

RD: So getting to where you are is all just about running hard?
Smith: Most people you are going to be in competition with are not gonna give 100 percent. If you catch a bad day, you are going to run up against somebody willing to do 87 percent. You're still going to win. If you happen to run up against Michael Jordan, you are going to be better for losing. In one of my songs, I write, "The key to life is on a treadmill. I'll just watch and learn while your chest burns. Because if you say you are going to run three miles and you only run two, I don't ever have to worry about losing something to you." When I say I am going to run three miles, I run five. With that mentality, it is actually difficult to lose.

RD: You work harder than the next guy?
Smith: I consider myself to be of basically average talent, right? What I have that other people do not have is a sick, obsessive, raw animal drive.

RD: Do you get tired of pushing?
Smith: Not yet. There is no pain worse than not achieving a dream when it is your fault. If God did not want you to have it, that is one thing. But if you do not get what you desire because you are lazy, there is no pain worse than that.

RD: Have you always been a runner?
Smith: I started about five years ago. Running introduces you to your worst enemy, to that person who tells you, "Ooh, our ankles hurt and we should stop. Why do we need to run five miles? Let us run three." That is the same person who says to the man, "Hey, your wife will never find out if you sleep with her," and the same person who tells the 16-year-old, "You are not gonna be cool if you do not smoke it." If you start giving in to that person, you will never get to your goals.

RD: Are you the most driven person you've ever met?
Smith: No. That's Michael Jordan.

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i don't know, what do you think? i think it was fundamentally about drive, determination and will power. memang terbaiklah :') if he were to come to my school and give this kind of a talk, i would be the annoying girl who shamelessly wants to meet him and go oh-oh-oh-mr. smith-im-your-biggest-fan. so, enough of thinking about it in my head, i thought i'd make it a bit easier for me and copied it here. [the cyber equivalent of cutting an article and putting it on your fridge perhaps?]

thank you will smith, for the inspiration

PostScript: it was RD Dec '06, lolz. tapi i read it way after the publishing.

PostPostScript: tsk, this reminds me that i still haven't done this, the one numbered 17. adoi.

THE GAME THEY PLAY

2010-10-01T08:59:00.001-07:00

hello, hello, this is a sticky post. for new blog entry(ies), you can try looking for it underneath this particular post, ok? that is, if im still diligent with my entries hahah.

well, i know this is hardly new, but i've seen this game played on some of the blogs i frequent. so i decided to jump into the bandwagon as well. yes, lambat, baru nak buat, orang lain dah habis dah pun, yes yes, i know. hehe.

so here's the deal (if you dont know it yet, but i highly doubt it), i am supposed to answer the following question, one at a time. err, day.

Day 1 : Ten things you want to say to ten different people.

Day 2 : Nine things about yourself.

Day 3 : Eight ways to win your heart.

Day 4 : Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day 5 : Six things that you wish you had never done.

Day 6 : Five people who mean a lot to you.

Day 7 : Four turn offs.

Day 8 : Three turn ons.

Day 9 : Two smileys that describes your life right now.

Day 10 : One confession.

ONE DAY ONE POST

but the thing is, for me, there is only ONE catch: no one said i have to do it in ten consecutive days. hehe. so dapat go je, jawab. GO!

Day 10: one confession

2010-10-01T08:53:00.000-07:00

when i was younger, i thought that beavers were the absolute coolest animal in the world. yeah man, BEAVERS!!!!

Do You know What Date It Is Today?

2010-10-01T08:44:00.000-07:00

it's 1st October, ohsotiana's first birthday :) thanks for reading, i had a great time writing. here's to more birthdays, more ramblings and more writings! XOXO

hiks. *happy*

The Game They Play

2010-10-01T03:55:00.000-07:00

Day 1 : Ten things you want to say to ten different people.

Day 2 : Nine things about yourself.

Day 3 : Eight ways to win your heart.

Day 4 : Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day 5 : Six things that you wish you had never done.

Day 6 : Five people who mean a lot to you.

Day 7 : Four turn offs.

Day 8 : Three turn ons.

Day 9 : Two smileys that describes your life right now.

Day 10 : One confession.

ONE DAY ONE POST

but the thing is, for me, there is only ONE catch: no one said i have to do it in ten consecutive days. hehe. so dapat go je, jawab. GO!

Penang Best

2010-09-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

23rd September marks as an important date for me, for the simple fact that i got to see Ze Boyf for the second time this year. yes you read it right,

second time this year.

i flew to penang and met him at the airport. kau rasa comel ke tak comel, hati berdebar-debar jumpa boyfriend sendiri? my feet were cold, ok! ya mungkin air-cond tapi kenapa peluh-peluh nervous juga merembes sedikit? hahaha. i guess we've been 'weathering' the long distance so much, we forgot how it feels like to actually set our eyes on each other. the funny thing was, after two seconds, all i feel was the same feeling of comfort and that come what may, i know i'll have someone beside me to face it with. heeeeeee...

oh i should probably tell you that this might turn out to be an uber-geligeli post, mingled with some other stuffs too. (though i hope not, for i don't know who's reading this). sorry i'm supermushy, but come me some slack, will yer?

but oh well, if i were to use as few word as possible, the first would be: gastronomic. hahaha penang kan, haruslah carpe diem untuk makan, kankankan? im the kind of girl that can hardly finish a plate of meal (sumpah bukan diet ye) but somehow, that girl went into hiding and what was left is this tak-malu person saying "weh aku nak lagi la". and didn't order more sebab malu. even when she said she wasn't malu. haha. the second would be: friends. got reacquainted with old ones, made new ones but one thing was certainly true, they were Nice :)

but oh well, one thing i really regret about penang was that i didnt take too many pictures. im kicking myself right in the arse, for neglecting to do so. chisssssss. maka ini saje la yang ada.

yeah, yeah, keep on laughing minsya, im still gonna wear the speckies!

bersama roomie sementara, nadia. thanks babe, so much so much!

sempat berjejak kasih bersama kembar tercinta haha

tsk, tsk. memaaaaanglah rugi apabila malas bergambar seperti yostruli ni kan? i have to do better next time. hehe. but what ever it is, the penang trip was superb. had a lot more to tell, but i risk boring all of you, especially bile tade gambar. so, yeah, looks like i ought to be a better blogger next time.

meeting anip was nice. well, wonderful actually, although we did not spend too many time with each other saje. Mr Boyfie dear, i know it was never easy. i know that if it was orang lain, four times out of five, they'd quit. i don't know if we'll truly get through this, but i never regret having to go through this with you.

ok ok better stop before it gets any worse. haha thanks for reading! see ya in a while, crocodile! hope to come to penang soon, too heheheh

Day 9: two smileys that describe your life right now

2010-09-30T07:17:00.000-07:00

1. dear Destiny, i am ready now :)

2. i find it hard to summarize this feeling. imagine this: midway through your flight, you close your eyes and everything melts away but this: the thought that you are nowhere, but everywhere. that you're not quite there, but you'll be there. that you're standing on your boundary, that you're not where you started. dear Destiny, i am ready now :)

Day 8: three turn ons.

2010-09-28T20:25:00.000-07:00

1.   books!

2.   great conversation!

3.   kind people!

Day 7: four turn offs

2010-09-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

1.   cocky-ness. perasan bagus-ness. snobbish-ness. concealed snobbish-ness (this i hate even more!); basically, satu perasaan ketuanan dalam diri kau yang buat kau rasa diri kau ada SESUATU (money, power, knowledge, style, looks,admiration,fame etc) yang buat kau ni satu notch atas orang lain. pfft. my arsy-parsy.

2.   the pure lack of endeavour. 'nuff said, man.

3.   negativity; because i have more than enough supply of it on my own.

4.   selfish-ness.

Day 6: five people who mean a lot to you.

2010-09-28T20:10:00.000-07:00

1.   ni kira cheating, tapi necessary cheating, because i wanna group them all as one person although of course, they're not. They are Dr. Mohamad Husin (father) Zubaidah Othman (mother) Dr. Haidi Mohamad (the big sis) Dr. Fendi Hashim (the BIL) Alfie Mohamad (the brother) Azlin Mohamad (the sister) Ezryn Mohamad (the sister jugak) Erysa Mohamad (the spoilt brat of a sis hahaha). In short, they are la mia famiglia. heh heh.

2.   Muhammad Hanif bin Amir Hamzah. but of course, yes?

3.   girlfriends; you know who you are!

4. atuk, who is very far but somehow, very very near..

5. a fictional character that I would be embarrassed to announce largely because I have such a big crush on him hahah.

Day 5 : six things that you wish you had never done.

2010-09-22T05:08:00.000-07:00

1.   dropped e-wayne on the head when she was a few months old. e-wayne, i really didn't mean it, i was ten, you were (kinda) heavy and the stairs were kinda steep. hehe. but you grew up to be supersmart and supertalented, jadi kira halal kot? =B

2.   not studying hard enough when i was in school. semua sekolah lah, termasuk sekolah memandu haha.

3.   i wish i had never totally abandoned taekwondo. i was ONE GRADE before earning the black belt. sheeesh

4.    i regret all the time i hurt anybody with my words and actions. whether i did it on purpose or otherwise. but especially when i thought i had the right to do so because they had hurt me first. i was wrong, and i regret it.

5. i wish i had never commited any of the grave and cardinal sins. haih...

6. i wish i had never behave in a way that was less than good and appropriate with my parents.

Day 4: seven things that cross your mind a lot.

2010-09-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

1.   die ni memang #$%&*(*%$@!$%^&(^#@%^& la. (okay, as much as i try to curb it, i still cant fully stop. hey, at least im not saying it. haha)

2.   no matter what, i have to get through this. by hook or by crook.

3.   he's thinking of me...he's not thinking of me.. he's thinking of me...he's not thinking of me..

4. one day i'll be better, and i will look at this period as my sweet grieving period.

5.   liz gilbert IS a heck of a gutsy gal!

6.   so bored, lets surf the net..

7.   im kinda hungry, but i dont want to eat.

PostScript: #7 happens a lot to me. maybe it doesn't happen to you, but its my daily reality. and no im not dieting thanks.

Day 3: eight ways to win your heart

2010-09-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

1.   this first one is for Ze Boyfie; for which i think only frank sinatra can sketch it for all of you; "Fly me to the moon, Let me sing among those stars, Let me see what spring is like, On jupiter and mars, In other words, hold my hand, In other words, baby kiss me. Fill my heart with song, Let me sing for ever more. You are all I long for, All I worship and adore, In other words, please be true, In other words, I love you."

aiseh sorry la sedikit jiwang di sini, maafkan la saya yang berjauhan dengan cinta hati sekarang ni sobs.

2.   be my mencarut-friend. (this is bad, but true nonetheless...)

3.   pretend that you don't mind me singing, even if your ears are bleeding. especially when im repeating the same damn song for the XXXXXth time.

4. or better yet, sing it with me!

5. "force" me to buy the stuff i really want and like and need but don't have the courage buying. courage! boleh tak aku cakap macam tu?? who am i kidding, mengada gila kannn

6. baring-baring with me! cook with me! talk to me until i/we fall asleep! giggle with me until we lose our breath! gaze the stars with me! go for facials with me! pick a new shoe for me! ahah..terlebih sudah.

7. be nice to cats. but more importantly, be nice to dogs!

8. discuss paulo coelho's books with me. please pretty pretty please? i got no one to talk to about this :(

Day 2: Nine things about yourself

2010-09-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

1. i used to think that i'm loud and boisterous. but now i usually am quiet and reflective. i am not what i used to be, in a lot of ways. i think i'm just looking for who i really, really am. and i think that that is good.

2. i still have a great love for books and written words. they enchant my world so. always have, always will.

3. suka memasak, tak suka mengemas. oopsie there goes my secret.

4. i can be stubborn sometimes, and that might irk people straight to the heavens. sorry.

5. sometimes i'd rather sleep than hang out. im not anti-social. i just love sleeping too much. *grin*

6. five years ago, i used to be chubby. as in, really really chubby (153cm, 57kg). generally, im really really skinny now (153cm, 43kg).

7. im your classic piscean, always dreaming, loves the water and quite intuivite.

8. surprise, surprise, i like to use obscenities in my life. and i'm trying my sheer best to minimize it.

9. i shop for 80% my stuff via the internet. haha such a nerd/cool/dangerous thing to do.

Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten different people

2010-09-19T05:08:00.000-07:00

1.   sorry for the ramshackle debate, but i kinda lost my words heheh.

2.   i can't wait to go there and eat until i cant button my jeans anymore. ahaks.

3.   what did you do to my laptop that i can hardly type ENTER anymore?

4. okay this is freaky, right after No.3, i can type it right away without problem. jangan a main-main oi!

5.   i want and need and wantwantwant a new purse :(

6.   you don't know how much better you made me feel just by calling. and you thought i was helping you, kan?

7.   i used to be afraid of you but not anymore, no. i feel like a superwoman now. *beaming*

8.   oh my, darling your blog rocks!

9.   siapa yang makan brownie nana masak tapi tinggalkan je sampai naik semut??????? cis.

10. dear _, i'm ready now.

Listen Now

2010-09-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

gambar tak sharp. but ah well, as long as you get my drift..

Where Did It Go?

2010-09-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

mana perginya satu makhluk yang kita selalu panggil-panggil dulu tu?what, you need a name? well, nama dia shmily. cute, silly, incomprehensible little name.just perfect.

and oh, look, yonder up! the rain threatens to pour again.
ah well, better save yourselves, wounded souls.

and oh, shmily baby i miss you so much it made my heart break. :(

Selamat Hari Raya Peeps!

2010-09-12T01:01:00.000-07:00

raya this year, the date was 10th September 2010. one day before the big 911. ouch. raya this year was also the first (and i hope, the ONLY) raya where i heard quite a few people said that raya this time, is (will be) no fun. well people, please don't join me in my club of We Like Ramadhan Better Than Syawal, only if i am the solitary member of it. well, im freaky like that. c'mon la, its Raya, man!

but ahh, before i bore you even more, i hope you wouldnt mind allowing me a small space to apologize for all my wrongdoings, whether it was my intention or otherwise. saya hanyalah manusia biasa, and as much as i hate blaming the nature of 'manusia biasa' yang tak lari daripada buat salah (literal translation: not run from do wrong?), i guess it is still nonetheless, true. segala apa yang saya terhutang, terambil, tersalah cakap, termencarut (okayyy yang ni banyak kan?), i humbly beg your pardon and hope that we can all start afresh. cincai kira, kosong-kosong lah. hehe

and although i have just spent a paragraph apologizing, it seems that i must do it once more. sorry peeps, no peekchurs. hope to do better next time and bore you not only with my endless yapping, but with my "peekchurs" as well. hehe.

so, just to recap, in a word, raya this year was memorable. i have bruises on my back that looks like somebody abused me, which made sleeping on my back become a slightly uncomfortable affair for a few days. as to how did i get such souvenirs, i can only say; i told you already, raya this year was memorable, haha. to quote khaled hosseini from my favourite novel of his: "for you, a thousand times over". yes baby, for you.

and oh, something happened on the second day of raya. the original plan was for pak ngah and some relatives of mine to come visit. the funny thing was, as mama and me were doing our simple shopping to cook some fresh food (haha okay tipu! padahal sebenarnya alfie totally wrecked mama's sayur lodeh on the night of first raya, keringkan sampai jadi serbuk, sumpah tak tipu, hahaha. abis tu nak serve apa? and me and mama thought that we can get away with cooking only 3kgs of rendang, instead of our usual 5kgs. ingat nak masak 3kg dulu, later bile ada guests on 3rd 4th day raya, boleh la masak a new batch. mana nak tau boleh habis, kannnn?), we found out that team A was coming on that day. next ten minutes, team B announced that they are coming. and so is team C and team D. and oh, as well as team E, all announcing their visits. the thing is, we only bought a modest amount of food, fit for, like, ten people. take a wild guess, berapa orang datang visit that day?

forty.

which is not too shabby, for a house that we claim "orang malas nak datang raya, sebab malas nak go thru the guards". at least, that is what we say each year, for the sparse amount of guests. ever since we move to johore, the number has been dwindling. dwindling i tell ya. it was great fun, though. i miss it already.

so, for those who thought that raya this time wont be a good one (i was one of them), im happy to say that raya was better than what i thought it would be. here's hoping to a better raya next year! hope you guys have a good one, its Raya anyways, man!

Keinsafan Di Bulan Ramadhan

2010-09-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

tiana : wtf.
erysa : nana, atoy tau apa maksud wtf.
tiana : apa maksud wtf?
erysa : tak boleh cakap.
tiana : la, cakap je la.
erysa : "what the fat"
tiana : atoy, wtf stands for world taekwondo federation.
erysa : oh.

good wake up call, yes? before, i was primarily concerned with the effect of swearing to myself, of what other people might think of me. i know i'm a good person, not a perfect one, but good, ensyaAllah. that i am not defined by my swearing. but i forgot how i might be a "role model" towards my sisters.

i would hate it for my innocent 10-year-old sister to have the same bad habit as i do. she's in a good chance for it, because what led me to my bad habit was that i was esconced in a swearing-friendly environment when i was young and growing. and so is she.

now i have another reason to guard my mouth even more vigilantly. hehehe. memang sungguh keinsafan di bulan ramadhan la weh!

tell me, would you want to corrupt this innocent soul?

sorry atoy, i promise to do better the next time.

Nice Things

2010-09-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

just tought i'd share some nice things i found on tumblr. tumblr sangat best, kan? too bad im a "central" person, kalau boleh semua setempat, easier to manage.

heck i'd still be (happily) using friendster up to this day if not for the vast majority of people who basically migrated to facebook. nama pun networking site kan, apa guna ada kalau bukan untuk networking. and staying in an almost 'empty' networking site, can you find the oxy in the moron?

haha beria explain why i dont have tumblr. perlu ke? ah well lets cut the crap.

ahh how lovely!

yes, you who does not need any introduction :)

Whats Going On?

2010-09-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

wrote a lot. drafted a lot. but deleted even more. wanted to talk, but felt the need to censor myself. ohoi whats going on?

haha nantilah. am to embarrassed to label it as the writer's block. writer la sangat, kan. hope i can entertain you soonish!

hope your Ramadhan is still good :)

be nice, and jangan main mercun!

The Time When You Put It Where It Belongs.

2010-08-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

funny, when Ze Boyfriend asked me what the previous post meant. well baby, it was my intention to be ambiguous. i am after all, the Obscure Oject of your dreams. and this is where i put my secret out, takkan nak suap satu-satu ke mulut whoever-it-may be, no? but ah well, basically, what i was trying to convey was that im done. yes, you may stick a fork in it, i am sooo done.

2010 sucked, basically (so far lah). i like it nonetheless, though. maybe that is what jason mraz meant when he sang, " i reckon it's again my turn, to win some or learn some" and yes, i learnt some. gotta love the positivity, man. ingat tu tiana, win lawannya learn, bukan lose. :)

im different now. better, i hope. look atuk, how i've grown up. i wish you could see me now.

so yeah, if you see my writing go all mopey and crybaby-ish, you're welcome to give me a (gentle) slap to wake me up. hehe. but to expect me go all "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind" would make you a moron. because i am nobody but moi, thank you. melancholy seems to grow inside my bones. so lets just be nice to each other, and lets make the world a little bit better, shall we? deal!

PostScript: itching for a lot of change. rasa macam nak tukar blog pun ada, gedgeds kan? but one thing FOR SURE im going to change, is the "The Time" at the title; they're so lame and they've overstayed their welcome. turrah, then.

PostPostScript: just stumbled upon a thing from lookbook so lovely it made my jaw hit the floor. dang, now i have to crawl under the bed to look for my missing teeth, hurhur. gile babs cool lah, kudos yuna dear!

The Time When I Lower The Curtain

2010-08-23T23:38:00.000-07:00

as a token of their appreciation, the stage actors and actresses will bow down to the audience at the end of a play, thanking them their time, attention and care of which they have allowed what little art they make to fit in in their busy lives.

and of course, the curtain. the curtain has to be lowered. signalling its done, thank you. dan kalau ada rezeki, kita jumpa lagi.

its halfway through ramadhan, and im happy now. ever since atuk died, raya did not have the same meaning. its just different. atuk, i wish i could tell you how much i miss you. ramadhan feels special, like soft flutter of a butterfly's wing. precious. it's not over yet, but im going to miss it dreadfully once its done. ramadhan was, and still is, magical. syawal is only fun.

not that there's anything wrong with that, no. ramadhan just makes me feel closer to atuk, somehow. the figure that quietfully and powefully shaped my life. i miss you so deeply, atuk. i hope you're happy, wherever you may be.

ahh..im ashamed of the nothings i wrote previously, about kononnya how life is so bad. so what if it is? i want to be better, stronger.

so now is the time, that i lower the curtain.

of course, the curtain. the curtain has to be lowered. signalling its done, thank you. dan kalau ada rezeki, kita jumpa lagi.

The Time When Their Culture Spoke To Me

2010-08-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

in the midst of the dance, you slow your movement.
deliberate........thinking and concentrating at the same time........
in a word, it was beautiful.

and beyond words, an emotion you can not fathom.
not now, not ever.

then, sighh,
the chinese-fan in your hand, you hit your thigh with it.
i know what it means now.
bottomless grief.

yes,
bottomless grief

The Time When 'Twas A Fateful Day With Facebook

2010-07-26T06:05:00.000-07:00

astaghfirullahalazeem..

apparently i was to immersed in my own little, dark world that i have forgotten all about nisfu syaaban. and only found out because i was facebooking, sometime ten minutes ago.

astaghfirullahalazeem..what kind of an arrogant ignoramus little infant am i turning into?

astaghfirullahalazeem..

astaghfirullahalazeem..

astaghfirullahalazeem..

but then, at least, today was a fateful day with facebook then! :) so in spite of all the hukum pertaining this wonder of an epidemic, you can't deny the fact that in all its glory, facebook DOES serve some purpose..no?

it's a TOOL, baby, use it the right way. i did. *raising an eyebrow dengan penuh berlagak*

chey padahal i did pun, serendiptously je haha

The Time When I Am On A Blogging Roll Bebeh

2010-07-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

it seems to me like i have all the time in the world to blog these days. i have a lot to share, but fear the potential consequences. this is, after all, a public blog, not a diary. and hell, even diaries get raped eventually, by eyes that has no right to see it.

yes, raped.

tell me if thats not true, i challenge you.

ahh, yes, im not in a good mood. in fact, my mood is rather rotten. and thank god for this:

funny how i find sad/beautiful things all day now. they say sadness is beautiful. and i couldnt agree more. argh. bear with me, im in a rough patch. a very rough one, at that.

PostScript: kepada Engkau di luar sana, the last entry is about me, not you. i am far too self-centred at the moment to be talking about things other than me. dont you think you have a name that i can put, if i want to talk about you? just go ask Le Boyf, berapa kali dia sentap tengok tiba-tiba nama dia ada kat blog ni. haha. so again, its not about you, its about moi, cherie.

The Time When I Dont Want To Forget

2010-07-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

we dont know each other, but today, you taught me a great lesson.

"to whom much is given, much is expected"

i was in awe, thinking of how that piece of wisdom gave you the strength to change the world. ahh, if i was your biggest fan, i think i have just graduated into being your hugest fan, heh heh. of course, im not talking about my 153cm and 45kg ~~skeleton~~ body. do i need to tell you that? and yes, i dont think hugest is a proper word, but as long as you get my drift.....

but more than being taught about your wisdom, i realized that i might have forgotten something. something of which, i told myself to NEVER forget, and that was only a few months ago, *sigh* that

1. The Things That I Have Is Enough;

....kalau tak cukup, cari sendiri.

2. Adapt To The Situation;
and the sooner, the better.

The Time When There's Nothing Much More I Can Do

2010-07-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

...silence before the storm.
selalu macam tu kan..?
calm before chaos.

oh well, no use worrying, now.
Allah, please...........................
please please please pleeeease

PostScript: oh macam tiana dalam princess and the frog pulak, when she wished upon the evening star?